Saturday, November 27, 2010

Riding the Crazy train..

Crazy, off her rocker, insane, loco, whatever you want to refer to it but crazy is how I feel. Don't have a better way to say it. I'ts like I was riding the crazy train full speed ahead. Then somewhere in there it seemed to slow down and I thought " Hey this new type of crazy is OK" now I feel that I back up to full speed ahead. Wonderful!
  For example who knew that painting one's bathroom could cause a sense of anxiety. It's just paint right? While I painting the trim I had a sudden thought come to me. " I wonder if Pete would like the color, that I chose?" Really? I surprised myself is all. Here I had been so excited to get the paint and picked out a new shower curtain, new shower curtain rings and even new towels. Some new hardware for the drawers and such. And I was now thinking "what would Pete think." Well really, Did I care? I thought I was changing the bathroom for me. Something  into a place of serenity. One place in the house where  I could be relaxed. And yet who knew that a bathroom could be so personal. I remember after Pete passed, my Mom got me some new towels and granted they were nice new towels. But my first thought was how could she. I don't need any towels, why would she do that? Then she got all bent out of shape because I didn't like them. My only thought at that moment was "I really don't need new towels I have some. And finally I told her. "These towels I had with Pete. He used these towels These Purple towels that he came home and after wrestling or getting ready for work these towels he used to dry himself off with after getting out of the shower. I don't want new towels, I want these towels!!
  Yet, now here I am a year later buying new towels and not wanting something that he used. I want something that is just mine. A towel? It's cotten. But I guess in this crazy life I need something that is just mine. A new towel, a new shower curtain, and new paint. That I like. that relaxes me. That I didn't share with him. Crazy? odd? Maybe both, maybe not. So I guess weather he would like it or not should it matter? Silly, but, I don't know. I would hope that he would like it, because he would know how much I like it. And usually he liked things that I liked. But he's not here and I am so.. whats a little paint and some new towels.  Just one little space in this little house that is mine. Where the kids don't go.  This bathroom feels different that say the rest of the house. I have new floors, the walls were painted last year right after he passed. I think in order to clean it up and get ready for the baby. And all the while I kept thinking would Pete have liked this color? Is this what he would have wanted? What would Pete do? I was constantly trying to please him even though he wasn't there. I was so raw and scared. scared b/c I didn't want to have Chase Leo without him and all the questions and the yelling inside my brain and body saying "You are supposed to be here!!"  The thing that I would tell myself with the decor was that I knew, I knew what he would have liked. We had talked about it. And all the things he had hoped for. Ti was those people that must have known too. My family and friends who came in and helped paint. and move furniture. Get out the clothes that needed to be moved in order to get ready for Chase Leo's arrival. And me who at times sat and watched it all happen. And at other times said. " I don't want to move this cabinet, or this work station, but I know it needs to be moved if we are going to have space for the baby's bed. Now as I sit here looking at all the paint and the decor, I don't think I could have gone forward the way I did, and had a baby if it had looked exactly the same.
  So maybe thats what it is now. I have new floors b/c one the carpet was falling apart. But also, I needed, and maybe the kids too another way to keep moving forward. So new paint in the bathroom. Soon to be my new haven. weather I will get to spend much time in there with three small children is unknown. But I will know that there is one small space in this new and old house for me.  The memories are all still here. But the new beginnings are creeping in, and the new memories, embrace the old ones.  So where will the old purple towels go, probably nowhere. They will still hang out in the linen closet for now. So that I know they are there. But the old shower curtain, the old paint and the old decor are gone. But in it's place is something truly spectacular and maybe just a little bit crazy.

1 comment:

  1. Befitting the transition you are experiencing Kathryn. Do you still hold the title of 'wife' or do you become a 'widow.' These are all changes you will make. Your choice of colours, and towels, is a HUGE decision for you at this stage in the journey. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. I am sure Pete is smiling as he sits on your shoulder watching your every move.
    I am here reaching out in friendship