Tuesday, November 23, 2010

" The I don't knows, and The Crazy's!"

All of these random and crazy thoughts that keep swirling around and around. That, tonight and today have caused lots of anxiety and at times to sky rocket into complete moments of panic.  Feelings of "how did I do this before?" and " How do I get back to that?" Yet another process of grief. Today marks the one year of Pete's funeral. Why today seems harder, than say Sunday marking the one year of his passing. I guess because I had family in town and we were busy with doing fun things instead of focusing on the insane of the past year. However, on Sunday I can remember having these moments or thoughts. Like, looking at the time and realizing that this time last year he was "getting ready" and then remembering sitting in the garden under blankets. Looking up at the sky as twilight approached and watching the all white airplanes fly over me. Or then feeling the chill in the air and realizing that now it was dark and I was relocated back into my past to deciding that it was time to "let him go".
 and finally the most random and crazy thought of all. I was standing in my dad's garage listening to him talk about firewood and I was hold Chase Leo and the thought popped into my head "he's dead now". Talk about a moment where I felt I would just jump right out of my body. I just thought "abort mission!"
   Still I have had those thoughts today. Trying to reach back in my memory and think about things like "how did I get dressed?" And "What time was the service?" Things that I wonder "How did I sit through that service and listen to that?" I do remember that Chase Leo kicked throughout the entire service. And that I kept my head down the whole time. As if not to look around thinking that I wasn't really there.  I did think about going to the cemetary today and then thought against it. I said to myself "Why would you do that? Whats the point in repeating history?" Plus I still have yet to see the headstone actually finished. and Seriously, Why would I do that to myself? I know so many people find the cemetery to be so comforting. To me it just feels final. And he's not there. Why go?
   It's strange how in some ways I think that the days would be easier past this. Well easier isn't the right word. I guess it's that last year all the memories I had were of the year before and the things we did when he was alive. But now that it has been a year without him not being alive. There won't be those memories to haunt me in the same way. I guess when I think of last thanksgiving, and how horrid it was.  I know that I want this one to be totally different. Last year I wore a big red sweater trying to cover my big pregnant belly. I really don't remember much of that day other than sitting by the fireplace in that big sweater in a red chair and just crying and looking around at everyone standing around me with their red rimmed eyes looking at me. I remember that I had my aunts and uncles there and my sisters just made an arc around me so that I would feel protected by them and I could cry and no one could see me directly. I don't want to do that again. Even now as I sit here thats all I can remember. I don't remember what the kids did. I don't remember eating. I don't think that I did. I don't even remember leaving and going home.
   I guess this year will be full of the "I don't want to to that again." My wanting to strive to do something completely different. For fear of having anything that is remotely like that and having to feel those feelings. NO, I don't want that. The complete, and utter helplessness. And I don't want A and P to feel that either. I know though there will be moments of those feelings. But thankfully I can realize that they will be brief and not constant. So my plan for Turkey day, To maybe get a horse ride in. If it's not crazy cold. I got a new game called Apples to Apples and my thought is that I am definitely dragging people into a game of that. There will be no sitting around and looking at me like an exhibit at the zoo.
   I suppose these last few days feel like finishing out the year. The end of the first year of grief. The end of the first year without him. Not that the grief is over. But We did it! We lived, all four of us. The kids and I may not remember a lot of it. Thank Goodness. But we lived. We survived. Now, my hope for this year is to start new. Pictures and questions of what this year will be like. It will be crazy, but their will also be some light. Not complete darkness and feelings of never finding our way out. I feel that by surviving this year, I can now in some ways come to a close. All those feelings and panic at the beginning of "how are we going to do this?" "How are we going to survive?" and the "I can't do this with out him." have shown me that Yes, I can do this with out him. I don't want to. But I have and I will. And We did survive with lots of help, love, guidance, and Faith. And we will survive. So what does this year hold for us? I don't know. But I know, that it will still be full of craziness and grief, but, most importantly Healing and Love.


  1. Kathryn, wherever you are, Pete is also.
    Hold onto that thought sweetie, sharing the joy, and the sadness with him as you have always done.
    Thinking of you and the children this Thanksgiving and praying for strength for the journey.

  2. It was definitely a different Thanksgiving for you this year...many things to feel thankful for in the midst of stuff that has been so very difficult. God is faithful and will never, never leave you or forsake you..even in the middle of the craziness. No, ESPECIALLY in the craziness. He is a rock and anchor for you and has held you and your whole family steady. I love you...God's with you!