I do get tired of being crazy. And just when I think I may have hit a good point not to be so insane, I do something irrational and my grief gets the best of me. Yelling and running around the house mad at my son for dumping the worlds largest amount of water in the bathroom and then looking at me to clean it up. I give him the towel and make him do it. Where he decides that No, he is in fact not going to do it. Something in me snaps and all hell breaks loose. Where I pick up Petey hand him the towel close him in the bathroom and telling him with a few choice words that he is not to come out until the floor is dry. I then pickup the baby who also has been crying ( for who knows why) and go into my room to close the door and have a time out for being the insane and crazy mom that I feel that I am at that moment. Yet, lo and behold Mommy's door is closed but that apparently means nothing to two kids. So Petey comes barging in saying that he has finished cleaning up his mess followed by his sister waving a toothbrush that she got her's and Petey's toothbrush ready. It makes me want to yell "Damnit, I can't even have my own time out!!"
These moments are the ones that make me so angry and want to scream and yell at Pete. Becuase usually what happens is that I have my tantrum spend a brief moment by myself and then end up on the floor sobbing. Aryanna stars to cry and then Petey. So there we sit on the floor in the kitchen with Aryanna on one side of me crying and Petey on the other side of me crying and chase Leo in the middle ripping orr my glasses. All crying that "we miss daddy" Then the guilt sets in. And tonight between tears, I just said "I am sorry you miss Daddy, I can't do anything to bring him back."
Thats the kicker. I can't do anything. There is nothing to do. I was then later standing at the sink washing bottles (surprise) thinking this isn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to live happily ever after. Not this. Not constantly being over worked, over tired, worn out. and being a mom 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no breaks. When the kids went to brush their teeth, I still sat there on the floor with Chase Leo and I was like "who comforts me? No one. Because the person I want to comfort me is not longer here and no one else will do. Sure a nice hug when I am so sad. But I can't call them and say "Hey could you come over, I know you are most likely in for the night and prob have your Pj's one and are snuggled up with your hubby, But I really need a hug." Thats just not something I feel that I could ask of someone and besides why would I want to. Because again in the end all I want is Pete.
For some reason I feel his absence so strongly right now. Many things could play into that factor. But the main big one I am guessing is that the One year is a week from this Sunday. which seems odd because in my mind I have already hit the 1 year mark. I hit it on Oct26 when he went into the hospital. Why do it again. I know the 21st is the official day that hell began but really Why do that to myself?
One of the things that Petey said while we were all sitting on the floor crying was that Chase Leo misses Daddy too. and I thought. "well Chase Leo never knew Daddy." Even though I know that he met him and new him on a spiritual level. It's that Pete never physically held him in his hands. And this makes me angry! It's that back to being angry. here I am moving along. got new floors a new foundation a new beginning. But also some very new realizations. Things like the fact that my heart will always belong to Pete. I have these random thoughts like "Well I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but.." But what? Or weird things like thinking I should change my name to something else. Because I don't feel like my maiden name anymore and I don't feel like my current name now. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. without him I don't fit. I don't want a different name than my kids. But I am not a Mrs. anymore. This may seem like a weird concept to someone. Maybe the only people that can understand this is other widows. I have been trying so hard to figure out who I am in my mind, and who the kids and I are now. What does this family look like? What does this little family do for the holidays? What is going to be our traditions this year? Because we cannot do anything the same! That life traditions, is over.
Today just must have been my day to break. Lots of change this week. New floors. It's like moving but still having all the memories and yet everything looks different. I mean isn't that what I wanted? yes it is. But it's the putting everything back that makes it hurt so much. I mean Why put the clothes back, the pictures all that stuff that sometimes and used to feel so comforting. Now just feel like I am being strangled with the fact and realization that it will Never be the same again. That man who wore those clothes and the shirts and drew those pictures, is not coming back to wear his clothes and shoes. I took the shirts down out of the closets. His work shirts and favorite things to wear. They don't smell like him anymore. I remember I took down each shirt and smelled each one just to be sure that yes, they really didn't smell like him. I put them in a box at the back of my closet. So in case I get some Bee in my bonnet that I have to, know and put my hands on a particular shirt I can just go to that box and it will be there. So much healing and still at times so raw and empty.
It's hard being on empty. I guess that is where I landed today on empty. I know tomorrow is a new day. But for right now. I feel very alone, lost and empty. When empty happens then Anxiety comes in and fills up that black hole. and I feel that I loose my grip. and it's easy to slip into complete emptiness. However, I don't feel that serves me any purpose. So for the moments when Empty comes around. I allows myself to feel it. If I push it away it just keeps coming back, and then bringing more anxiety with it to fill up the even bigger hole.
Its in these moments that I know I don't want to do that. Been there, done that and didn't like it. But to look at your sweet 5 year old daughters face and see two huge tear drops running down her face because she misses her daddy so much. It makes me want to drown in that abyss. It breaks me heart. And I can't do anything to fix it. Again I can't do anything. Hold them while they cry. Two weeks ago Petey finally borke down and I held him in the rocking chair while he sobbed over missing Daddy, how he wants him to come back and make him a Chocolate Birhtday cake. so we rocked and we cryied together. What else could I do? Nothing. Pray. I prayed a lot. I asked for all that is divne to come and surround us in love and peace. Soon after that he fell asleep.
I think its those random memories that sneak in and catch me off guard. Like on a cold and rainy cloudy day we would all get on the couch or on the bed and watch a movie and fall asleep. For Pete and I to look at each other and secretly laugh on the inside at how funny our kids are. Or it's that feeling that I had today at some point that no one really knew me, or "got me" like he did. I miss him. For me he was home. Not that A, and P and CL aren't but he understood me Crazy and all. For now all of these questions, and emptiness. The crazy outbursts and figuring out who we are is part of the whole process. For me I am always surprised when it creeps in again. As it to say "Seriously, I thought we had found some peace with some of these." And then it always comes down to that same old song and dance. I miss him. I want him here with the kids and I. To scary to look forward and too scary to look back. It's that renumbering to stay in this moment. Again just one crazy minute, one crazy moment at a time.
Some song lyrics that remind me of him and how I wish he could just come home and say these things to me. Because Pete was my home...
Another Summer day has come and gone away In Paris and Rome
But I want to go home
Maybe surrounded by a million People I still feel all alone
I just wanna go home.
Oh, I miss you, you know
And I've been keeping all the letter that I wrote to you each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat and you deserve more than that
Another Aeroplane, another sunny place I'm lucky, I know
But I wanna go home mmm..I've got to go home
Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are, I wanna come home.
And I feel just like I am living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside When everything was going right.
And I know just why you could not come along with me
Cause this was not your dream, but you always believed in me.
Another winter day has come and gone away In even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home, Let me go home
I am surrounded by a million people and I still feel all alone
let me go home. I've had my run. Baby, I'm done. I've got to go home
It will all be alright, I'll be home tonight.
I'm coming back home.
~ Home, By Michael Buble'