Friday, November 5, 2010

Crazy "New Questions"..

Alas, I have missed writing. I feel that my brain is full of too many things. I am having some repairs done on/to my house. Therefore I have not been able to write much. So many times I have thought or had experiences where I wanted to write but couldn't. Time and writing just didn't match up.  The interesting thing about home repairs, is that even though it needs to be done, it also brings up new questions and how much I don't know about fixing things. Pete did it. Something went wrong, Pete knew how to fix it. Didn't matter what it was, he figured out a way to fix it or install a new one. It seems that lots of things have needed replacing lately. I hear however from a home owners perspective that once your house gets to be about 10-12 years old things start needing repair. My sink in my Kitchen has needed new parts on it now 3 times. I finally broke down and bought a new one. My wonderful neighbor kept helping me out by replacing the same hose over and over again. And every time it broke I thought "Well Roo, now what?" So I would call up my neighbor and say, "So you know that sink you fixed a month or so ago, can you come and look at it again?" I feel Like I need to get that book "Plumbing for Dummies" I sure they have one. That way I wouldn't need to bug my neighbor all the time with the things that break in my house. Although I was pretty proud of myself because i got down my own tarp off of my outside patio cover thing. I know it's not called that but being a not so technical person I can't remember what those things are called.
   I am really looking forward to having new floors in my house and yet I do question or ask myself things like " Well, would Pete like it." And then I think " Hello, Crazy Lady, Pete isn't living in this house you and the kids are." He may not physically be living in it but his spirit is here. It feels like a constant tug of war with myself and emotions. The new floor feel like new beginnings under my feet. It will look like a new house. Yet the memories remain. I can't afford to move and I don't want to. I love my neighbors and the house. But  for me when there is change involved I get hung up on moving forward and feel like things are spinning out of control again.  I have to move things around, go through things and stay at other peoples houses, even the cats have to stay somewhere else. I can remember how much before Pete passed I didn't like being in my house. I felt trapped here. I think it was because I didn't feel like in some ways it was mine. It was Pete's. He was the breadwinner after all. Not that he ever made me feel that way. I just looked to him for the way to do things. I wasn't much of a leader I was more of a follower. I was just waiting for him. When I think now, he was waiting for me.  I feel now,  unfortunately I would rather be here in the house in this space than away from it. that now I am the leader and not a follower anymore. Granted there are still lots of things and situations that I find myself in and think, Oh My gosh I don't know what to say I don't know how to handle this. Like for example I didn't know who I was supposed to pay for the extra tile. I had asked if they could extend the tile in my bathroom out into the vanity area and when it came time to pay I was like ,"Do I pay the man who put the tile in, or go through the company. The man who put the tile in said "it;s up to you how you want to do it." I kept ho- humming around. I am sure the man thought I was more than crazy. I finally just said to the guy. "I really don't know how to handle this." Finally it came to me, that I had to decide. I did, not the man, not the contractor, Me. There was no one to ask. So I talked with the man about his beautiful work that he did  and asked him " How much was the price of the supplies?" OK "How long did it take you to put it in?" So between him and I we worked it out. Into what I think is a fair price. Its just seems like maybe something so small as figuring out who to pay, in my mind seemed like a huge deal. As if there was a right or wrong way. How was I to know. Never being a leader, or one to " make that final desc ion" because Pete was always there to do it before.
  Its these moments when I find myself thinking how did I survive before. Did I do nothing? I don't think I did nothing. I raised the kids, I did the grocery shopping, I cooked dinner. I did all the things I am doing now. (Well except maybe the dinner ) But now its more. There is more to it. I think as I sit here. Did I just follow along? And who was I following? I maybe didn't beat myself up as much as I do now. But that is my own fear getting in the way. I beat myself up for not being a good mother to my kids. That I am constantly doing it wrong. questioning and hoping that I am not messing them up in the long run. I recently had a dream about the kids being taken from me and I know that is my fear manifesting itself. I remember sitting on the couch asking one of my sisters after Pete passed before Chase Leo was born. "is there any way that A, and P could be taken from me?" They told me "No." Yes, this was a real fear for me.  Because there was some of my family that thought and had  hinted at that maybe I was and would be a bad mother without Pete. Making me feel in so many ways that I couldn't possibly raise the kids well, without him.  I guess I didn't realize that his was still somehow a fear still. I know many people  grieve differently and it's easier to lash out at someone. Maybe my family doesn't even remember what was said , or know how it would have carried over into still feeling that fear.  I think that I try so hard to see things from everyone's perspective and can only hope it was grief and fear that caused them to fell and think those things about me, and about the way Pete and I raised our kids at the time. But Now it's me. Just me. Not that Pete doesn't play a role. He help set the foundation. Because we were a team. But still. It's these hard and big decisions that maybe small to the average person. But, to me they seems big and overwhelming. My hope is that Pete would have been proud of the way I handled  figuring out who to pay and with how the kids are and are being raised.
   With new projects comes new questions. I guess that's why I wonder these things. Or I guess realized these things about the "old me" and now the" new me". because In many ways I am new. I am trying to view my life and the kids life without Pete. With the one year anniversary just a few weeks away I have decided the best way to go forward is to be the most positive I can be. To surround ourselves in positive and uplifting people. To be surrounded in love. I spent a couple days at the bottom of the barrel. I started to freak out on the inside. Full of panic pumping through my body. Like, Oh no what am I going to do. As if finally, finally realizing It would never, ever be the same. That the Pete I knew would not be coming home again.  To now realize that not only do I grieve the man, but I grieve the life we had.. That old life. I grieve for that old life and I guess in some ways that old me. I was so much more fun I think. Not that I am boring now, I just knew how to find the fun. maybe someday i will find it again.. I miss my wedding bands. I sometimes feel myself looking at my hand going where is it. It was just here. No, It wasn't. I haven't worn them in almost a year. But now it seems that life can't be all about survival anymore. It has to be about finding that "fun again". Finding what our life looks like now. Starting our own new traditions and new beginnings. And trying my best to see what that looks like. Trying my best too stay in this moment. Not 3 days from now. Not just wishing my life away. As if I am finally coming out of the fog and being conscious of whats going on around me.
   I don't expect it to change over night. No matter how much I want it to. But new floors, new life, new me. So much new scares me. But at the same time It needs to happen. That saying about ' You can't live in the past", Is so true. I can't stay there in the past. And even though looking head seems so frightful. That same old question, "how am I going to do this without him". I think to myself the same way you did it right after he passed.  New beginnings, letting go of "old fears, old lives, old self," It's looking into and for the light and love that surrounds us now. The friends and family that have, and do, and will step in and help in ways that will change and mold us for now and for the future.  I am still grieving, the kids are still grieving. And we so love and miss Pete everyday.  But now we are awake. And we Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I have to put our positive, loving step forward onto our new floor and our new present. With every loving, new step we take. We hold onto "our Pete", with the best crazy way, we know how.  

1 comment:

  1. “It's wrenching enough to lose the man who is your lover, your companion, your best friend, the father of your children, without losing yourself as well.”...Lyn Caine