Enough!!! I have had it. With it all. It's not just the grief it's my kids too. The tantrums, the crying, the whining, the spitting up. The hitting. the not listening, the talking back. Our bed time routine is exactly the same every night. and Yet Petey is still surprised when I tell him that he has to be patient and wait while I feed Chase Leo before he can get anything to drink. Because I don't want him to have too much liquid right before bed. I don't want to be up at 2am changing his sheets. And believe me I have tried the whole lets have a drink before bed.. It still ends up blowing up in my face. Because once the prayers have been said and the kisses and the hugs and the giggles, and the music has been put on , he still gets out of bed and asks for Apple juice. Seriouly!! He just brushed his teeth!. Then I am sitting in his room feeding Chase Leo his bottle, trying to get him to settle down and relax., Petey yells MOMMY, I want some apple juice. I say to him "Petey do you see that I am feeding your brother? You are going to have to wait." Tonight it just feels like I might spontaneously com-bust. I guess you would say that I am having my tantrum in this post.
I have heard that whole thing about grief is up and down like a roller coaster. (i.e."crazy roller-coasters) Yes I am well aware. But No one takes into consideration small children and their grief, plus your grief. Then what? . And when you have a crabby, angry, frustrating day so do they. Therefore their grief and their crazy and all the constant "Mommy i need some chicken, mommy I want some yogurt, mommy I don't want to eat this. Mommy it's too cold, Mommy it's too hot". And on top of that, a baby who is teething and crawling all over the place. Of course while all this crazy is going on and I am trying to get everything done for everyone, I forget and trip over the baby! It just feels like, enough!!
No more. I am done doing it all by myself all the time. There is no one to come home at the bewitching hour and take over after I have had the worlds worst headache all day. No one to come and rub your back and tell me, its ok. No one to take the kids out to play while I go and have a shower. Because ;lets face it when was the last time I had a shower. hmmm I can't remember. If I do it in the morning the baby screams through out the whole thing. if I do it at night I fall asleep in the shower because I am so damn tired. (People I do take showers, I am just saying it's not an every day occurrence) . However it's all those little things that I took for granted before and now I really, really want them back. It's these times when every one is mad and I want to shout out loud. " Where are you now Roo?"
Petey is now getting into his aggression as well. Thats a good time! What do you do with a little boy who is so angry that his daddy is in heaven!! Petey is usually a very gentle spirit but not lately. He is hitting the baby, hitting his sister, and even hitting me. Talking back, and not giving a shit about the consequences. He is so off kilter that I feel I don't know how to relate to him. He is crazy hyper and needs lots of stimulation. I know that is part of being a boy but when you add in the crazy aggression then it's just pure insanity. Today he spent most of the day in his room. Since he was so worn out from being in trouble all day he fell asleep at 5pm. It is now 10pm and he is here on the couch next to me talking to himself. Touching me. Do I want to be touched right now. NO, I don't. Someone has been sitting on me, climbing on me, spitting up on me, hitting me, pulling off my shirt , using me as a chew toy, and pulling up on me all day long. I am over stimulated. I know this may sound heartless and that I don't love my kids I just want.... I don't even know what I want. ( I know Shocker)
The Fed up part comes in because we can be doing fine and then bee in someones bonnet and all hell breaks loose. The kids and I were playing in Aryanna's room just dancing and then Petey goes over to the baby and smacks his belly. And it's like Really?! You would think that after spending all day in and out of his room for hitting he would stop it by now. I know again BOY! But still. Where is Pete to come marching in and tell Petey to stop. Where? OH right, I know where he is. He's in heaven. Thanks.
I keep thinking that this has got to be a movie. Especially with all the weird, creepy, bloody, and crazy things they come up with these days. Sometimes I do feel like I am just watching all of this shaking my head going is this my life? Like Ghost of Christmas past. or in my situation. present. I am not saying that other people have not had to deal with the kind of heartbreak that I am dealing with. I know from going to Brookes place that they got through it. It's the getting through it part. Today it feels that my Anger and frustration are making me feel like I am walking through sludge. I want the director to shout ok "Cut" cause really lets cut it out already. I miss him.. I know if I was thinking realistically, and other mothers struggle with these same types of things. Other stay at home moms who are always taking care of the kids. And I know their are Dads/husbands out there who don't come home and take over. Who still expect us to do it all. The different between them and me is that their spouse comes home. It's another Parent, another set of eyes, and maybe another set of hands. I feel old, worn out, and tired. I am only 31 years old.
I try to look at the big picture. It's these moments when I have a tantrum that I think, Wait, wait, back up. It's not so bad. Mothers who stay at home whose husbands travel all the time have to deal with these types of things. There are people all over the world who have lots of hard things that they are dealing with. If I look at my little life in this great big world it could be worse. However the pain is what feels so hard. The loneliness the heartache, the fear, the anxiety, the depression, and the missing him. Sometimes I think if he saw me now would he recognize me? I am not the same anymore. To be honest I am tired of what I see in the mirror.
I do realize the kids and I smile again. We laugh. And we love each other so much.. And we loved Pete so much. Am I mad at Pete? Sometimes. Mad at God? No not really. Whats the point really? Thats why it feels so crazy.. Why bother being angry? It doesn't serve a real purpose. I just upset my kids and myself in the process. It's the guilt and the remorse. And yet the crazy because I can still feel all these things and sorry for getting so mad at them and then a split second later it's like the tornado has blown through again. At the beginning of this post I was HOT. Now just tired and worn out.
Back to my movie Who would play me? And what would happen in the end? If it's a movie and I can have it however I want. Then I choose For Pete to come back, But this time in a much healthier body. He will burst through the door, shouting "it was all just a big misunderstanding, I am here now." And we would all run and meet him. He would hug us all. And right before I give him a kiss, I would punch him and say ," Thats for breaking my heart, but I never lost faith in you". Then we would kiss and the cheesy music would come on. Then fade to the credits.
For now, we take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new day. ( Thank Goodness) Even though today was an irritable, and irrational, fed up kind of day. I know its just another step in the right direction. Through the grief and into the joy. As I look into the faces of Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, I see my future. That we are all on this journey for a purpose. We don't know why, or for what that purpose is. We just have to have faith in one crazy day at a time.