`Another moment where I feel that I am completely losing my mind. I think it's that my expectations are all wrong. Should I just go into certain situations with the idea that it's going to be crazy? Or that it is going to fail no matter what I do? Maybe I should just be more prepared. I mean right after Pete passed I always expected the worst. That the kids were going to be a handful and that I would end up crying at the end. Now They don't always seem to be a handful and I don't cry at the end. So that is an improvement. Although lately it does seem that they are back to being a handful and instead of crying at the end I just want to shout and yell really, really loud. I think that is how the experiences went this morning or ended up. With me thinking that it would all go well and then It didn't. Plus there were lots of frustration on top of it. Somehow I did not yell and shout! I think my other problem is that I don't take into the account of how much time it is going to take us to get out of the door and into the car. Since today it was raining I needed extra time to find coats and actual shoes not just flip flops. So there in lies another frustration. To make a long story short, I finally get everyone in the car and off we go. with little argument. We get to our first destination and it is pouring down rain. Lovely!! So guess what everyone out! unbuckle, unhook, and Praise!! I have a friend that meets me in the parking lot with an umbrella. Once inside the confusion begins. Who is going to sit where and what will we eat. Where to put the baby. Finally everyone is seated and eating and all is well for awhile.
I was sitting in the restaurant and noticed a young mans sweatshirt. It was a Fighting Illini sweatshirt. As I was trying to wrangle all my children in one direction to leave. I asked the guy" Who in their family is a Fighting Illini?" And his dad answered" No one. We are just fans". But that he had some friends that went to the school. I said "really My husband went to University of Illinois. And they guy said" Oh, what year did he graduate?I was like what, "Uh... I don't know". I don't know? What kind of answer is that? I don't know when my husband graduated from College. Like I don't even know my own husband. I felt like so caught off guard. I had to ask my friend right away when did she graduated from college. OK so if she was about 21, Pete was maybe about 22 or 23 that would put him graduating around 1995. Well I felt better that I had maybe figured out. But I was still frustrated. Like Am I fotgetting this man. The man I married. We spent 6 years of marriage and 2 and a hlf kids together and I didn't know or remember when he graduated from College? Heck I can't even think when he graduated from High school. ( I know just count back 4 years) but still.. It just seems stupid. It feels crazy. How could I not know something so simple. I finally guessed a year and said" no I don't think thats right. He passed away when he was 37 soon to be 38 so I think he graduated before that. Then I even repeated to myself out loud. I can't believe I can;t remember when he graduated. I am sure this man was like, well this lady is completely insane. I just walked away mumbling to myself how that maybe I had a few other things on my mind, but that I should have known.
I feel Like I keep going over and over this in my head as if something about it will make sense. Questioning over and over , Why does it bother me? So what if I couldn't remember, But I feel that I should have known some monumental piece of his life. At least remembered it. Thinking to myself " Did I know it before?" or "what else don't I know?" Or is it just that I have forgotten. Is it grief? or crazy Mommy brain? and Will I remember it again?
What is it about rain. I usually love rain but today It seems that no, I do not like rain. Again with the exspectations. I thought my morning would go better than it did. I think it's that I am getting so used to and yet not at the same time (crazy) of doing things by myself. So When I go out places taking the whole crew It would seem to the on-lookers like a zoo is passing by them. However must they look at me like that.? What do you want me to do stop living my life? I am glad for my frineds and the help that they give me. But it doesn't stop the on lookers. Today I wanted to shout to the whole restraunt that I do this everyday by myself. I am sorry that my kids seem loud and unruly. But on one hand they are kids, on the other hand, I only have so many arms and really whats the point of shouting at your kids in public. They still won't do what you ask of them and people are still loooking at you. So it doesn't solve anything. I just end up looking like an even bigger idiot than before. Facy that!
Just when I think that I have a handle on things like going out and doing things with all of them. Wham!!! Something hits me in the head.,As if to say no you really don't have it all together. The frustration seems endless today. We get home and Chase Leo needs a nap. The cat has peed on the floor again and the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. I sit here and I question why so many of us seem to "play" the part of having it all together. Or maybe I should question why must I have the persona that I have it all together. What's the point? I am a recent widow ( I guess not that recent anymore) with 3 kids all demanding my attention. I guess I feel that I have something to prove. That this whole thing won't break me. But Do I have to be strong all the time? And in that question I wonder is it just me having an off day? Feeling sorry for myself.? I never want to feel that "oh woe is me" feeling. Why should I have so many expectations of myself.. the feeling that so many are counting on me not to fail. And I won't. I know that I won't be perfect at it. But I have more faith and belief in myself to not fail completely. Struggle? Yes, lots. But Fail? No. Maybe in this process I am not just raising my kids but we are all raising each other in this house. Together we will learn to be a stronger unit. That we will just bump along and do the best we can to figure it all out. I suppose that includes the frustrations, the expectations and all the crazy looks we get along the way.