Monday, October 18, 2010

Crazy Dates in time..

Dates are lets say silly. I mean they are just numbers on the calendar right? Granted not all dates are silly. Like the date on which your children were born, or when you yourself were born. Holidays and such, not silly. But it's those little annoying ones. For example Oct 17, 2009 Pete had a camp-out with Aryanna and Petey in the living room. Complete with smores and popcorn, stories and sleeping on the floor all night.  Oct 19 2009. Last year this was a Monday. The first day that Pete stayed home from work sick. Or Say Oct 23 2009 the day that MedCHeck told Pete he had H1 N1 and also the day I started Tamaflu. Oct 24,2009. Pete's honorary Birthday. Since his birthday was Christmas Eve I picked this day when we were dating to celebrate his brithday too. Oct 26,2009 the day he was admitted to the hospital because his oxygen levels were so low. And finally Nov 21 2009 the day he passed away . Also last but not least Nov 23,2009 the day of his funeral. Too many dates that seem to have too much heartbreak in them.
    I have decided that this year on the 21st of November marking the one year I don't want to do anything. Like I don't want Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo to know that this is the official day that their whole lives went to hell in a hand basket. We don't need to pick this day to remember him. Since we remember Pete everyday. And we miss him everyday. So why do we need a special day to miss him even more. Maybe I will have some people over for dinner but just as a get together. Not as a " Lets remember this is the day that Pete passed away day."  I know that some people would not agree with my choice. But, to me I don't feel that I am honoring Pete by remembering the time and day that he took his last breath. Granted everyone will know that is D-day but do we really have to talk about it? I guess what it boils down to, is that I don't want A and P to know. If my family and his family wish to do something that day I don't want A and P to be involved.  Lets all get together and be together, but lets not all sit around the table playing the "remember that one time." I don't know what I want to do, but isn't that what I am always saying. That whole crazy thing. I don't know what I want in this instant but maybe in the next one I will. At this point I say abort mission!
  Now as of the 17th of this year I felt off balance and very weepy. Because lets face it, it's been a year since he was living, breathing, and playful. This time last year I was 6 months pregnant. Sunday, and of course the days that follow have not been that great.  One of my best friends said to me "well You should count the days that are good, because you can pretty much guarantee that most days won't be great." I felt numb today. And the worst part of it all my kids feel my emotions too. Aryanna may still do great at school and Pete may still play well with his buddies but when they come home and we all sit around they know that something isn't right. It may not be on a conscious level but somewhere in their little bodies they remember.  The changing of the leaves, the chill in the air, and Halloween right around the corner.
   I remember that last year I had made sure that I video taped the whole "Halloween" cause I knew that when Pete woke up he would be sad he missed it. I got every detail. Until the battery died. I remember thinking later, He would never see that video. Along with many other milestones.
   I don't want these days to come. I don't want this time to pass. I don't want it to be a year. I was lying in bed last night and thought, "You know what it really is, It's that I am burned out on grieving."  You know people get burned out at their job and need to re-locate. Take some time off, and come back refreshed. Maybe I need that. Lets take some time off from grieving!! Yeah like thats possible. It's like when you feel that you have been pregnant for a thousand years and you wish you could just hand the ball of baby off to your husband and say" here, hold this and carry this around for a bit.My back hurts and I am tired.!" So, not only am I approaching the one year, but also I feel that I am burned out on grieving. Like, OK folks I am done with this one. Here you go. You take it on for a bit. Thats the thing, I can't take a break., I have to go through it. I have to survive it to get my "break". Can I just say that honks me off a little bit. I want a vacation. Wait no I don't. Wait yes, I do... No, wait. uh....  I can't take a break and I can't take a vacation, because it's too hard. The leaving, the returning, the aftermath. Why bother. I can't take a break, because I miss him to much. I am tired of missing him.
   I am tired of working so hard and still missing him. Fight the anxiety, work through it. Push it down push it away. Try to walk it out. Focus on the kids. Make a budget, stick to it. Swallow my pride and find help. Trudge on and miss him. Hold my head up. Miss him. Keep the house clean, clean the cat barf, change the diapers, take out the trash., get the car fixed. Be on time for school. Dr visits. field trips. Miss him some more. Deep breath, Push down the anxiety. Pull on the collar thats not there that anxiety has created. Finally stop the fighting give in and take some anxiety medicine to take the edge off. Miss him, feel that I am lagging behind. The kitchen looks like a bomb has gone off. Miss him. Miss him. Ache for him. Finally Cry for him. Weep for him. Love him, and miss him. "Why aren't you here with me?" " I know you couldn't stay here with me, your body was too sick" " But, I miss you." Do you know that? I miss you"   Take a deep breath, wipe my tears, and make lunch. Keep moving forward into the next minute, hours and days.
   Dates that seem silly run through my head and through my body. Like being punched over and over again. I am still crazy and burned out at my "grieving job" So now what, I ask myself.  I do what needs to be done. I do what Pete would want me to do. See the beauty in the vibrant orange leaves. See the wonder in Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo's eyes. Marvel in their accomplishments. Hear their laughter like music. Relish in Chase Leo's baby babble. And Love him for everything he was, for what he wasn't and for the amazing gifts that he gave me. Three amazing children and a short lifetime together.


  1. Praying, praying, praying for all of you. Trusting that God will not let you go...He is with you every breath you take, every decision you make, He is with you. You are doing it, my friend. With His help, you ARE doing it!

  2. Wow, Kathryn... what words you have. Powerful, and wow... I really don't know what to say. I know that you've had many people encourage you and help you grieve. But I do think you are right... sometimes you have to move to the next point because the continuous grieving can be draining. I loved reading your journal, not because of the pain I saw, but because of how honest and raw it felt. I hate to say it, but reading that made me realize what I have and how numb I can feel day to day going through life just working. But, man, after reading your journal, I feel like part of me was awakened. So, thank you for sharing. Love you and miss you!

  3. Kathryn, yes to the naked eye dates are just that dates. But for those who have lost a loved one, every day holds significance. When I come upon Rachel's anniversary, I get off the ride. This year I took the day off, visited her grave and just let it all in. It will take time, allow yourself the time. And remember you hurt because you loved. Let the love live on.

    Take care and God Bless.

    Rose Mary

  4. Kathryn thank you for visiting my blog. Welcome to my world!
    Already I feel we are 'soul' mates.
    Oct 17 the anniversary of the death of my beloved Dad.
    Oct 19 the birth of my daughter, given up for adoption.
    Oct 23 the passing of my Mum
    Nov 21 I remember my 'Spirit Child'
    Kathryn, I am grateful to have you come into my life. I will follow along with your blog, offering love and friendship, maybe not always leaving a comment as I have lost the use of my dominant right arm/hand through cancer. How could we possibly have dates that stay on in our hearts and thoughts?
    Do you have a memorial website for your husband? I have one in memory-of for Jeremy.
    Love and gratitude Chez