Monday, October 11, 2010

A big Crazy event is no small feat.

Oh where to begin.  Saturday was an eventful day. Well the day itself wasn't but the evening was. The big wedding was yesterday. The bride looked beautiful and the groom handsome and the bridal party, Perfect! It was a beautiful day for pictures outside in downtown Indianapolis. The service itself was lovely. However I did cry my way through most of it. So many references of love and death do us part. How together we are one. How could I not cry. The love of my life is not on this earth anymore. The one I thought I would grow old with.  It was hard to watch two people so in love when I so desperately miss Pete with every breath I take.  In some ways I would say that I am envious of the journey they are starting together. As my memories flashed in my mind of our wedding day not so very long ago. Oh what a day. The most fun I had. A day that I will never forget. It was those moments in the vows and the words of Love in poetry, in the message, and in the music that at times I wanted to curl up into a ball and forget my exsistance . As if sobbing in the corner would help in some way. Please don't mis-read this into thinking that I do not wish all the happiness in the world to the bride and groom. I do! It's just that from my high heeled shoes it was heart breaking.
  Since my last episode.. I mean post. I talked of having too many expectations. since then I have decided to have no expectations and therefore. I don't have to worry about being disappointed or surprised. For example at the rehearsal dinner I was excited to get dressed up in my "retro outfit" and making sure my hair looked just so. When we got there I got to talking with the Matron of Honor and she told me that she had put together a video of the Bride and Groom together. I thought to myself  "Oh good this should be fun." But I think of my thoughts of having expectations and if I had know before hand would I have stressed about it? Probably. But by not being informed, there was no time to worry about it. And really, I was doing great through said video when the time came. Until it got to the part of  the bride and groom hanging out and being together. Then my dad came over as if to be supportive when really I was trying my best to hold it all in. This was about the bride and groom not some lonely widow.  He comes and sits down next to me. and that was that. The flood gates opened. I jumped up and felt as if the walls were closing in on me. I had to get out. So out I went. Luckily I was in the back so I got up and went around to the bar and outside to the patio area.  I stood there hanging onto the railing and looking up into the sky. I wondered, what was Pete thinking?  Almost as if he was standing in the sky looking down on me. What would he be thinking about? Watching  me stand outside with huge tears running down my face? Tears so big that you could hear them hit the concrete. I looked into the sky and felt numb. My mind was blank. No questions to ask. I didn't really even have the "why's" Just kind of blank and empty.  Eventually I went back to the party and sat back down at my table. My brother in law smiled at me and says's "you didn't miss much". :) So I then launched into my conversation of 'Does anyone know why the canal is a maroon/purple color?
  The reception was fun. The band was awesome. And the twilight party was fun as well. My sisters and I all sang Kareoke. and were each others back-up singers. I can't remember the last time I stayed out so late.
  The one thing that I did wonder as I was sitting at my table at the reception. I was looking across the table at my grandmother. I thought What does she think? What does it feel like on her end. To come to a wedding only 2 years after her husband had passed. Is it hard for her too? I would think it would have be, at least on some level. I mean yes she had more that my short 6 years with Pete. But still after being married for almost 60  or so years together. Was she remembering her wedding day, like I did mine?  My Grandmother looked lovely and when the band started to play she decided it was time to go to her room. When I stood to give her a hug. She told me I looked beautiful and that she was so happy I could make it. I thought What about you? Here she was with so many more years of life and marriage under her belt and I am sure she was missing my Grandpa and she was glad that I could make it!
   As with any big event that requires lots of planning and preparation. There is some let down after the event has passed. My Sunday was one of those kinds of days. My whole week before was filled with getting ready, finding a dress and trying to decide what fun and different things i was going to do with my hair. Really, how do I make a statement.  (lol)  I know that I often feel like I need a "break from my new crazy life" would be wonderful then when it happens` it makes it hard to re-enter my crazy life. I felt out of balance and felt the need to do something that makes me/all of us feel more normal. It also seemed like  a huge step back in some ways. I missed Pete and the kids did too.  As with my overnight,( Crazy Adventure)  and the after math  it makes me wonder why do anything out of the ordinary.  I wonder even now how long will it be like that. Not saying that I didn't have any fun. I did. It's just hard and the hard is where the wondering and the questioning  come in of weather it was worth it. I believe that it was. Yet another learning experience. Even though it was hard and fun. Sounds crazy. It was emotionally draining and yet physically rewarding. Because I did it. I survived and obviously I lived to tell my crazy experience.  A small price to pay for an evening of feeling glamorous. When the band started to play " I will Survive" I started jumping and dancing and singing and saying this is my song!! Because I will in this crazy insanity. This journey that we are all on. We will survive.
~ At First I was afraid I was petrified  Thinking I could never live my life without you by my side
~Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give
I'll survive, I will Survive!! Hey, hey.
~ Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. ~ Now I hold my head up high.
~ Did you think I'd crumble did you think I'd lay down and die, oh no not I . I will survive.
 One Crazy day at a time I will. Survive. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I will survive. and even more than that we will flourish. Hold our heads up.high, and remember and embrace what an amazing Pete we had.

1 comment:

  1. I think it shows a lot about your character and insight that you wondered about how the night felt to your grandmother...good for you for going and for enjoying yourself, in spite of the emotional level of the event.