Saturday, September 11, 2010

Wondering about things, can make you go Crazy.

I have been wondering some things. I don't know if it's just the fact that some of my memories are starting to come back to me. I mean granted there are still quite a few things that are a complete blur. Or that I have only fragments of memories. Like I remember a time when my cousin and Aunt were over painting my living room and it was a very snowy day.  My brother Clint, my sister Ashely, her boyfriend Andy, and my sister Betsy came over and took the kids out to play in the snow. I think it was Betsy's two boys and my two. All outside in the snow. I even remember, getting the video camera and catching  a little bit on tape. Plus Ashley got a few pictures of the kids playing. However I have no idea what month it was or day. I think it was before Christmas. I definitely know that I was still pregnant.
   It's the memories that I can't remember but are starting to remember. Like things about the viewing/calling. I remember I couldn't look at him. I never did. And I don't really have any regret over that one. I mean I remember I tried to. I was standing way at the back of the room and started to peek around the corner. It's a good thing my dad was holding onto me. Because all I could say was " I can't, and Why is this happening". I don't remember much else. I mean yes, I sat there next to him with it closed and my back to his picture while people came and went. I have no idea what they said to me. I sort of felt like an exhibit at the zoo. I do remember what I was wearing that day. Although I don't know how I got dressed. I don't remember that part. I don't have that outfit anymore I gave it away. I know that lots of people he worked with were there. Some of our friends that we knew from E91. I know that I spent a lot of time in a room tucked away.
    However now that some time has passed,  it seems that I am getting to the wondering about things part of my memories. Like did they leave his glasses on him? And if not why? He wore them everyday. In fact the only time he wasn't wearing them was when he was asleep. I remembered the other day that I gave a picture of the kids to his friend Pat to put in his pants pocket. But I had forgotten that part until just a couple days ago.
   The thing about wondering is that I question if I really want to know. Like If he isn't wearing his glasses, where are they? If I ask I may not like the answer. So why ask. Right? They are just glasses. I have an old pair of his. They were not his "spare" pair. These glasses the frames kept breaking so he welded them together in one spot. LOL  But there are other things as well like things in the hospital that I don't remember. And I think If I remember them someday I hope to goodness I am a lot more stable when i remember them. lot of time though  I hope I will never remember them. I also wonder things about the people around me. Like It is just now starting to creep in. Why not sooner? I want to know things like "how did my sisters hold it together in the hospital?" They were right there with me when he passed away. They just held my hand and sat at my feet waiting. Even now I am thinking " Why am I writing this? "Why am I thinking about this?" Why am I bringing all this stiff up?"
I guess to answer some of it, or answer myself is that I have been wondering and never had a place to put it out there until now. I sit here on the couch with the only sound of the crickets chirping outside and the fan blowing of the furnace. It's quiet. The kids are all asleep. Why wouldn't I be reading? Watching a movie? Or going to sleep? Instead here I sit thinking about all of these memories and fragments of my minds eye. Like watching part of a movie that you really don't want to see the ending to.
  Sitting here asking these questions and feeling it all again make me nervous, anxious , Itchy, shaky, sweaty and cold all at the same time. These questions, these wonders at times feel like they have to be answered right now.  I saw one of Pete's nurses tonight. I always wondered how I would react if I saw someone who treated him. And it was fine. I was happy to see her. I got to know her through all of this. And she and her fellow nurses and the doctors gave him really awesome care. Granted it was hard to "see" her. But I was glad to see her too. But by seeing her did cause some flashbacks. At one point in the evening things about the hospital were so clear I wanted to be like "OK the kids and I need to go now". I can't imagine how hard it must be to be an ICU nurse. Because you get to know the families and if your patient doesn't make it then you know that if you were ever to see them again that family would have a hard time looking at you. Could you imagine if that was you? That by looking at me, you might want to throw up?  Yet, She helped Pete. She cared for Pete. She cared about Pete, she cared about us. She told me that there is a picture of the kids and I in their break-room. And they look at us every day. Sometimes she said they kiss their hand and then touch the picture. When she told me that I was speechless. I wondered why? Why do they do that? I mean we were just another family, right? Another sad thing that happened. Pete was an amazing man even being sick he touched people's hearts. But I wanted to ask her Why us? Still I wonder.. Like I wonder "did the nurses know that he wasn't going to make it?" Or at what point did they know? Even now I wonder "Why Kathryn would you want to know that?"  Curious, maybe. I don't know that I really do want to know.
   I wasn't with him when he passed. I keep thinking that he wouldn't have wanted me there. Was I weak for not being there? I don't know if it's weakness, I just know that I couldn't have been there. To stand there pregnant and watch knowing I couldn't do anything to stop it. If i think rationally about it, If I had been there what would that have done to me mentally? Or even health wise? Why wonder, I ask myself. I feel sick. And Think I should just stop. I can't seem to. I still wonder.. "how did I sleep that night?" "How did I walk out of the hospital?" How did I just race through my dads house and tell Aryanna and Petey what had happened?" I don't know how. God is how.    I wonder, What did my sisters do?  How did they just keep going on? They helped me take a bath, Ashley took care of the kids. My friend Myra talked with them and I think she went home at some point but I don't know when. I wonder, What did Myra think? All those times that she spent with me praying. Did she have any idea that he wasn't going to make it? How did she do it? How did everyone do it? I wonder, About all the friends and family at the hospital there that night What did they do? What did my brother do? What did my brother-in-laws do? What happened to everyone after I went home? I don't even know how I got the kids to bed. Someone must have come home with me. I mean I know that Pat and Sylvia were there but they went home or back to the hotel at some point. I have no idea what happened after we got home. They drove the kids and I home from my dads that night. I will never forget. We got everyone all buckled in and Pat said " Are we all in and buckled up?" and Aryanna said " Yes, but my Daddy is never coming home again." Everyone in the car cried.
   After that Pat, Sylvia, Aryanna, Petey, me, and Ryan and Isabelle drove to my house and I have no idea what happened after we hit the driveway. I can't even seem to pry it out. But still I wonder...
Will I wonder years from now? Will I remember years from now? And do I care to?   I wonder if someday Aryanna and Petey will remember that night. So many people say that they won't but I know my kids and I bet you they will. But still I wonder. All this wondering does make me feel a little crazy. Not being able to access my own memories. I do believe that is God and the brains way of protecting you. It's like after having a baby. You forget how awful all that pain was. Because you never forget that first moment that you see your beautiful baby. That gift, that joy. You forget all those months you threw up. And all those times when you thought you would breathe fire because Of such bad heartburn. because there in your arms is the most amazing and precious gift you could ever imagine.  So it makes you want to have more. Only when you are in labor the next time do you remember and Go "Oh what was I thinking" But,  still we do it anyway.
   I think that is just how it is in life. We do it anyway's. Losing Pete, missing Pete. And being so desperate for him to just be here with me. TO be physically present. Thinking that our lives are going to stop. Thinking that our lives would have stopped. Yet they didn't, we didn't, we did it anyway. Even through all those days that are good, and all the days that I think I just cannot seem to find that one spot of steady ground. The phone rings and it's a friend calling to say "Hi, I felt the need to call you."  I get back up and do it anyway. It hurts, and it's hard and through this path, this journey that God and the universe are taking us on. I wonder..
   Will I get my memories back? Who know?. But we do life anyway. To imagine that some people never wonder. Never question. But to those that do wonder.. I believe that by my wondering I can hope to see things from a new perspective. See that light at the end of the tunnel. And to wonder about things that are hopeful, joyful, and full of magic. So for  now I may be crazy in my wondering, but In life and apparently in all things we learn, and do it anyway.

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