Saturday, September 18, 2010

Driving myself Crazy.

I have an upcoming wedding to go to. I really am happy for the couple. I hope that they will find married life to be bliss. Now I am well aware that marriage is not bliss all the time but most of the time it's pretty great. However, Sometimes when I think about attending this wedding I think I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go.  When I think about it widows and weddings are sort of an oxi-moron.  .  the thing is that I really do want to go. I want to see the bride happy. I have lots of respect for the man she is going to marry. I wanted to be there for them and celebrate them and their new life together. As I am writing this I am afraid that I am sounding like I am trying to talk myself into going. .  I cannot help but think of my own wedding and how beautiful it was. A fresh spring day in April. There were some very funny moments and some stressful ones too. But I can remember thinking that this day is my best day ever. That I would never forget it. I treasure all the moments of that day. So I ask myself now, Why worry about a wedding that is 3 weeks away? Why even be bothered at all?  I am sure that it is probably stressful somewhat on the brides behalf to even invite me to the wedding considering "everything". So I am thankful that I got an invite. I did try to joke with the bride a little bit when she was stressing about where to seat everyone at the reception.  I said  "I know, why don't you put all the widows at one table. She didn't think it was very funny. In fact I think she was a little bit horrified. I thought it was hysterical. I figure that at this point in my life you have to be able to make a joke about it. Because really thats life in some ways. It is what it is.
  So, now that I have received my invitation and and put that yes I would be going. I forgot to put on their that my friend was going as my date.  Hopefully my girlfriend and I will end up at the same table. :) Now the task begins of what to wear. Ah the insanity. One must look good when going to a wedding. Well at least when going to a big event. I really would like to make a statement. To look beautiful,strong and Independent.  Not what I feel on the inside frumpy, chubby and somewhat worn out.
  I met my friend and sister at the mall today with my three kids and two of my sisters kids. Good times! Luckily  lo and behold I found two dresses that I think look very flattering on me. The process however of finding those two glamorous dresses is quite interesting. Picture it if you will. One sit and stand stroller with three kids in it. One wheel chair/walker with an 11 year old girl in it, and one 7 year old boy trotting along behind. Plus three woman. My friend, my sister and myself. All in the dress section of Macy's. My sister finds a couple of dresses and I find a few with my friend and sisters help. Then all of us go into the dressing room. We found the extra big dressing room. My sister and I tried dresses on with the door mostly open While Chase Leo in the stroller my niece in her chair and three kids sitting in the corner sitting right outside the dressing room door, that is basically open so we can keep an eye on everyone. My niece, bless her. kept 4 kids from blowing up the place. Aryanna, Petey, and Ben were playing a game on the "iphone" and she was feeding the baby a bottle which worked for awhile. It's amazing how much you don't care about modesty after you have had a baby. My sister and I are pretty much standing in our bra and underwear with the door open while other woman are walking past. My friend/date (lol) kept running back and forth getting sizes for my sister and me. In between times while waiting for a dress I would hold Chase Leo or tell A and P not to be so loud. At one point my nephew thought it would be hysterical to start calling everyone with the iphone and then hanging up. So, he called me , he called my friend, he called his friends. Meanwhile Chase Leo is getting cranky because he is tired and needs a nap. The kids start running in circles, because they need to eat. One lady who worked there came over and was like " can I help you ?"  I think maybe some of the customers where complaining. So I think she was trying to get us out of there ASAP. She then wanted to get our sizes and such. Well mostly my sisters I might as well have been clear. I wanted to say "OK now you want to help?" Where were you say, when we first came in. Another employee apparently had, had it. Came marching in there and said how we needed to move our kids out of the way cause no one could get past. I was thinking well you are the only one who is having trouble everyone else seems to be moving through here just fine.
   At last, I have picked two dresses, My sister has picked two dresses and my friend already went shopping and picked her two dresses. So We gather kids, clothes, bottles,  toys, strollers, walkers and a pair of crutches (niece hurt her knee has to keep it immobilized for 6-8 weeks)  and head out, to go and pay. But wait... I am getting ready to get into the line when what do I see, another dress. This could be " the dress!" I had to try it on. I couldn't leave the store if I didn't try it on. So I run with my dress to the changing room leaving behind 3 kids running in circles around the racks, a cranky baby, a jam packed stroller with the crutches sticking out the sides to try on one more dress. I put it on and decide that yes this dress must come home with me. Grab the dress put my clothes back on run back to all the chaos. Now I have three dresses I put one back so that I only have two and go to checkout before I see another dress.
  My sister however wants to look at just one more section. So our friend and her went to look at those other dresses while I take the insane hungry children to the food court. Off we go. A and P climb back into the sit and stand arguing over who is going to sit and who is going to stand. While Chase Leo is  on my back in the ergo and his seat is full with two dresses.  Wheeling along beside me is my niece with my nephew jogging to keep up. . AS you can imagine I got some really insane looks. Finally at one pint someone stopped me to ask if they were all mine. I laughed and said Nope these three are mine and these 2 are cousins.  Alas My sister and friend show up we all have lunch and then we all pack up and head out.
  The kids and I head out through the mens section. We passed the cologne counter and a woman smiled at us and said "I bet you are busy" and I said" you have no idea". She asked if I wanted to smell the new women scent that armoni makes I said sure. She gave me a sample and I said wow, I really like that. It;s light without being over bearing. So I told her that I had been looking for a new scent and tried before but never really liked anything. And I didn't want to wear what I was wearing before because it reminded me of my husband who recently passed away. Of course she was shocked and asked me when and if it was sudden. So I told her the brief version. That he had the swine flu, so make sure to get you flu vaccine. Expecting her to say something like. Yes, I most certainly will. I am so sorry, you take care, then off we would go. She didn't she just started asking a bunch of questions like so did it get into his lungs? did they just fill up with fluid? I was a little taken of guard. I was like well. yeah. All the while watching my kids expressions waiting for something. But she didn't stop there. Then she said Well ya know there was another family who died from that in Kokomo  and on she went. Somehow I lead it back to the perfume and said well, thanks for the sample Have a great day.. As we walked away I thought to myself "OK now what made me say that" Like why would I tell a complete stranger that my husband passed away" What was the point of it? I don't think that I was looking for the woe is me story.  Then I thought back to how the conversation started and I guess it was just me thinking out loud. I guess forgetting that it must sound so strange to so many other people. When I think about it all the time. That Pete is not here. Or thinking of things that I want different because he is not here. Something as simple as a new perfume. I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I shouldn't have said that, or done that. I felt guilt like I had just caused something terrible to happen. That my kids had to witness and listen to this lady ramble on about questions about "how he died?" I felt terrible. I tried to find a couple of suckers in my diaper bag to give to them. Lie a sucker was going to take all their pain away. Trying to fix it somehow. Wishing I could just erase that last conversation from their minds.
   After I got the kids all loaded and situated in the car I couldn't stop my brain from going. On the drive home I kept thinking about when he was in the hospital. And about that last day of his life. How I prayed and prayed asking to let him live. How I came and went from his room. Thinking he didn't look very good. just on and on.. at one point the thought came into my head "why are you doing this to your self? Are you trying to drive yourself crazy?." I answered "I don't know" Why do thoughts like that keep coming back. Is it because I am more mentally capable to take them in?
  I can remember sitting outside the hospital  in the "garden area"  with my friend Myra and I looked up into the sky as a big white airplane was passing by. I had a vision.  He walked out and plopped down in the seat across from me and propped his feet up on my chair. He looked at me and I said "If you have to go, don't draw this out anymore just go." He said to me "OK". He continued to look at me. He was wearing his jeans a white shirt his long sleeve corduroy navy blue shirt/jacket and his white and black tennis shoes.  This was the outfit he wore into the hospital. I knew it would be coming soon. About 10 minutes after that my sisters came out and said it's time. He is getting ready and I said " no, he is not. He could still come back. I said something about he may never die. They both looked at me and I knew what they were thinking.    It got dark and I was getting cold. His sister came down and said that they did in fact get him back but that he went 8 minutes without oxygen. And that it would happen again. Then she said "we, want to let him go.. but you have the final say. What do you want to do?"  I looked at my sisters and I said I don't know, What should I do? and they said. " Let him go." So I did. I stayed right there inside right by the door to that garden. he passed at 7:02 they called it at 7:05.  
     Again I ask myself "what are you doing? You are going to throw up, if you keep at this." And again, I don't know. I guess I am healing. Thats what you do when healing. Re-live it again and again. Until maybe it doesn't make you want to vomit?  Is it this wedding that is stirring all this up? Maybe. Is it because Tuesday will be 10 months? Could be. Or maybe I am stronger now. Mentally and emotionally to allow those thought to wander in sometimes. I can say that I wish they wouldn't. Although I had forgotten about that part of seeing "Pete" in the garden. I had just remembered it when writing about it.   The other thing that I remembered today is, when Pete and I were planning our wedding we talked about our vows and I had said I hated it when the minister would say "till death do you part" and I didn't want to think about being without him. So I asked to have it change to " until we meet our creator." But really even in death you are not apart. I mean yes, that person is not physically in the body and by your side. But he/she is still with you, it's just a different type of relationship. To me, Pete is not completely gone. I still feel him with me spiritually. I know that his spirit is with me and the kids. That no matter what he will always be a part of us. And that he still has a piece of my heart even from the other side. Maybe to others it's total craziness, or maybe it's learning total healing.

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