Oh Mr. Anxiety here we go again. I am sure that many of you read on my facebook about my conversations with Mr. Anxiety and how upsetting it is when he comes for a visit. Well since everything has happened I would say he has come for a permanent stay. But, sometimes he goes out of town for a few days and I feel like" ah how nice, a break". But not so fast Mr. Depression then decides to make his presence known. Now granted I have struggled with depression since at least the age of 15 years old, and I had my first panic attack at the age of 6. So I am no stranger to Mr Anxiety, Mr. Depression and don't forgot Miss Worry.
Mr. Anxiety has been popping in a lot more frequently these days right along with Mr. depression. They seem to be coming in pairs. Lucky me! For example. I had been having a pretty good day. Got some errands done while Aryanna was at school. However Miss. Worry went into over drive while running through wal-mart with the boys. At one point I wanted to just abort mission. Just take the kids out of the cart and leave. But I really really needed Formula. So we stayed. Got Aryanna pick up from school. then home to deal with a rather unhappy and sleepy Chase Leo. And don't forget the two other children who were also too tired and Aryanna was so over stimulated from school. Everyone needed a time out. A and P had a brief one and CL refused to sleep which made for a rather frustrated and cranky Mommy. I mean I tried everything to get him to sleep. No such luck. So I threw in the towel. I decided I needed a shower. There is nothing like listening to two kids argue over something ridiculous and one baby crying while trying to shampoo and tune it all out. One would think that it would be at this point when Mr. Anxiety would butt in, but I think it was too noisy for him. No, he waited until this evening.
Aryanna and I had Brooke's Place tonight. usually I don't mind going. I mean It's not my favorite place to be. Not because of the people. Everyone is very nice! It's the fact that I have to know about a place like Brooke's place. That my children and I are a part of Brooke's place. Don't get me wrong Brooke's Place is the best thing ever for families like us. but still there is a lot of "I don't want to" going on inside my head. So We get to the church and Aryanna has been talking about having a slice of pizza once we get there (even though she has already had dinner) But we get there I get her a slice and we both sit down. By ourselves of course because we got there a little late and everyone is already in their groups. But this is sort of the way I like it. Anyway There we are when all the sudden, I have this terrible sense that I don't want to be there anymore, and that we have to leave right now! Ah Mr. Anxiety so not nice to see you here. Surprised? I shouldn't be, but I am. And No, we can't leave Aryanna loves, loves Brooke's Place and she needs to be there. With kids her age who understand her. So Aryanna goes off to her class and I try to swallow the rest of my root beer and head to class. Meanwhile inside my head I am shouting" NO, you are not going in, you are not here, this is not happening." Which even now as I think about that short walk from the sitting area to the where the groups meet I am surprised that I am still in shock. Like "Hello crazy lady, earth to crazy lady you have been doing this for almost 10 months, this shouldn't be a surprise to you." But it is and It was.
I go in and find a chair and try not to be too fidgety. It's almost my turn and I can;t figure out what to talk about and then I decide at the last minute. "Hi, I'm Kathryn and I bring Aryanna who is 5 yrs old. Petey gets to start next time he is 3 yrs old and Chase Leo will be 8 months on Sunday". From there I launch into That Chase Leo has two teeth and is pulling up doing and getting into all sorts of things. Plus he is working on another tooth and therefore hasn't been sleeping well which means I haven't' been sleeping well. ( But I don't really sleep anyway) And I say that I apparently have now developed some sort of very itchy hives that seem to be related to, Yes you guessed Anxiety. The more anxious and stressed I get the more itchy I become. In fact I have itched so much that the back of my leg is one big green and purple bruise. One of the parents says that yes, he too had that reaction to stress but that his turned out to be shingles, and that maybe I should have them checked out. Also another woman said that when she was going through the loss of her brother she too broke out into some itchy hives. So I guess It's just one more thing to add to the ever growing list of things you get to experience while grieving. Thank you Pete!
I did talk about how Miss Worry showed up at Wal-Mart. Of course I didn't call her that. They would think I was crazy... I explained how I got all nervous because I am trying to budget, and figure it all out, and there I was wondering what the total of the bill was going to be and I wanted to just throw up all over the place because it was so nerve wracking. I stood between the meat cases and thought and said out loud. I hate this! I hate to shop for groceries. But What did I do? Give up? NO, I put one foot in front of the other. Got th remaining things and went to check out. When the lady asked me how i was I replied , "Fine, but I find shopping very stressful" of course she looked at me like I was crazy. I just smiled. Got the total and held my breath. Swiped my card got my bags and off we went to the parking lot with Petey talking a mile a minute about I can't even remember. Imagine that.
I also mentioned that I had been doing some writing and shared the link to my blog. How it has helped me to realize some things about myself while writing and after writing. Also That my hope was to help others to know that we aren't really crazy.. (Well some of us are but thats beside point) We just feel crazy. When I got down to the end of whatever I was rambling on about I decided that I would light my candle for us. Aryanna, Petey, Chase Leo and I. That we continue on our crazy journey. Because really there is no way around it. Like that book. "Going on a Bear Hunt".. "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you have to go Through it." I think of that line from that book often. If someone or lots of someones could feel peace or touched in some way from my writing this blog, then it's worth putting it out there. Whats the point of the lessons if you don't learn from them. However you can't study for these lessons. And really why would you want to. Because even if I did study, when I got to the test I might change my mind about how " the book suggested" I may have come up with a better way to do it. And if you know me well you know that I never do things by the book anyway.
As for Mr. Anxiety, Mr. Depression and of course Miss Worry I guess they have moved in for awhile. But I look forward to when they go out of town for a few days. And hopefully in the near future they will pack up their bags and leave for good. And leave this crazy lady to bask in her lessons learned.