Saturday, September 4, 2010

Crazy Adjectives!

I miss Pete. I miss him so much I feel at times I can't stand it. It's more than that though. I want him with me right now! I am done being without him by my side.  It feel so damn hard right now. It's September. one month before he got sick. I hate that with every season that changes its always hard. But this time it seems impossible. I sometimes wish I could just skip these next few months. I don't want to do them. I don't want to feel them. I am so tired of being in pain. My head hurts. My heart it hurts. Putting my heart back together is painful. Living this life without Pete is painful, horrible ( insert adjective here)_________. I feel lost for how insane it really feels.  Yet piece at a time. Slowly I learn something else and another one locks back into place. Like it grows back together. Grid locked and stronger than before. But it still hurts every time.
  I was fortunate to have two of Pete's college friends come for a visit this weekend. I was so happy to see them. We went to dinner and I tried Sushi for the first time. By the way it's kind of fishy.. But by my second one, it wasn't so bad. I think I just need to try many varieties. Oh and I got to ring the gong too. That was really fun. But the only way they would let me ring it, is if it was my birthday. So my friend told them it was and so I got to Bang on the Gong. People kept wishing me Happy Birthday it was hysterical. We had a great time. It was so crazy, I could feel Pete with us so much that I almost wanted to pull out a chair for him and say "Hey Roo, have a seat" Or pull out the chair and just wait for him to come around the corner plop into the seat and say "sorry I'm late, pass the sushi."
      They brought some pictures of Pete from his "college" days and a video of him just hanging out at their apartment. I was glad to see them. And Aryanna and Petey I think were glad to see them. They so often ask me "what Daddy was like when he was younger" and I don't know. I met him when he was 29 years old. So this was like a glimpse into his past, through their eyes. I was surprised, for some reason as to how hard it was. Like, why should I be surprised. I can't even look at a picture of us on our wedding.  But the first picture I looked at sent a shock wave through my whole system and I felt it to my core. It's like when you touch the stove not realizing that it's hot. But I looked and I tried to see that this picture, this time in his life. He  was young. Barely 20 years old. Marriage to me and our kids was 9 years into the future from where he stood.  But to see a video of him was so bizarre. I think even now as I remember it I keep thinking " I know this man?"  " Why does he seem so familiar" I feel like grief does a funny thing to you. Or maybe it's just the traumatic loss of it all. But .. I can't seem to explain it. Like the best I can do.. Looking at him then was like a lifetime ago. And yes I realize it was some years ago but, to know that I wasn't even a glint in his eye is so weird. in those moments he thought his life was all laid out for him and in his mind he thought that was how it was going to go. I bet that at 20 or so years of age he probably never thought he would pass away at the ripe age of 37 and leave his wife and 3 children behind.
   Their were a couple of funny things about that video one that he had a girlfriend,. and two his voice was so different. It was higher I mean at first I was like " is that Pete talking" because as a man he voice changed and was lower. But the other funny thing was that at one point in the video he got up and walked into the kitchen and just broke out into a dance. And it was like " ah, now thats the man I know" He always did that. Always making up crazy songs or changing the words to songs or singing them in "lounge" style. lol  But even now when I saw a video of him playing with Aryanna in the water I felt the same thing. " I know that guy." I don't know what it is. And I can't put my finger on it or why that is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I haven't seen him in almost 10 months. I haven't heard his voice, held his hand, looked in his eyes. Nothing. Nada, zilch. I keep thinking I just can't believe it. This is really happening.     It was a hard was hard for me when they had to get going.. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for them to come here, and see us. Meet Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, without him here. But I am so glad that they did.
 After they left and all the hours that followed, have been weepy ones. He was so real. So vibrant. I sat in the rocking chair just sobbing I miss you Roo, I need you. I could feel him in the room with me. But I tell ya, I am so ready to be over this pain. I don't want to hurt anymore. I still wish he would just come home. That I could wake up and have it all go away. That it was just a horrible dream. And then I could kick his ass for leaving me then hug him so tight he would think he would pop.  I feel within these last few days that I am back standing on unsteady ground. So many uncertainties. Worries, Anxieties. Fears wondering how's it all going to work, where is it going to come from, where is it going to go. How are we going to do it. I know we will and If I just slow down and put things into perspective then I will see that its not so bad. I worry about Financial things. Trying to figure it all out. I have help  But it's my own inner struggles. Wondering if I am doing it right. What happens if I do it wrong. Worried about grocery shopping and raising kids and making sure that they know how much they are loved. And know how much thier Daddy loves them. Anxiety over being alone and missing him so insanely bad that I just want to cut out my heart. Tired of not sleeping but too tired to do anything about it. Because I fear that if I took something that really knocked me out then I wouldn't hear Chase Leo. Guilt over needing some "me" time then missing kids like crazy when I am away from them. Finding comfort in their hugs and kisses, and then worrying that they are being the adults by comforting Mommy. And then feel upset and mad at Pete cause they wouldn't have to comfort me if he wouldn't have died. The list goes on and on. And On days when it's hard, it just feels extra hard. I can't stand being in my own head and I feel that I don't want to do these days anymore.
  I know that I will because that is what I do. try to find a better way or a new way and keep going. But I really just want Pete. I just want him to come home  now and say " I am here now, it's all going to be alright"
I look forward to the day when I do get it right. When I can stand and look at myself and see physical beauty not some worn out mommy who could really use a nap. To look and see that I can budget, and not freak out over every tiny thing. To have less flip-outs and tears. To stand upon steady ground, to not doubt or question or always looking for the "catch" To cook again, to organize again, to breath again, to sleep again, to love again, to have complete peace again. To be happy again, mind, body, spirit.
  I know that day is coming. I know it is. I believe it is. I know that God and the Angles are with me. I have watched other people with grief struggle and eventually find all those things again. I know there is light at the end, I have glimpsed it many times.  Right now it seems far away. But I never thought I could make it through 10 months. And we have, we are.  It's within reaching distance. These are things I have to remind myself of. Yet I do realize that for me to get to the reward I have to work hard, real hard.. (like Pregnancy, you get a prize at the end)  However the only way to get there is to go through this crazy journey. My journey to share, to learn from, to speak about it, to teach about it, to help others know they are not alone, to love my kids. To embrace it. To heal from it.  And know that without it I wouldn't be one crazy red haired lady.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I think heaven might be like that--"I know that guy!" Everything's different but somehow still familiar enough to give a combined sense of familiarity and discovery.

    Also, I gotta' read more carefully. First time through the sentence I saw "...hug him so tight he would think he would poop." Oops, that was pop.

    I obviously change too many diapers and have too many conversations with toddlers.