Monday, December 19, 2016

A Crazy Fork in the Road..

"Hello it's me I was wondering if after all this time you'd like to meet, to go over everything.."
        That song really does work for all occasions. Much has happened since we last spoke. Its seems that it was last Christmas that I was had gone Crazy at the holidays. They seem to bring out my extra Craziness and my words.  Hopefully this Christmas my words will hang around and I can write more often. These past four months have been an new eye opener on this crazy journey. In a good way, in a hard way and in a heartbreaking way, but mainly in a new beginning kind of way. I feel that I am growing and changing in who I was and who I am becoming.  Along with a new perspective and courage I didn't know I had. . It's been seven years since Pete passed. Hard to believe that it's been that long and yet it feels like only moments ago. This will be the 7th Christmas without him, the 7th   Christmas eve of celebrating his birthday and blowing out his candles, hoping that next year won't hurt as much. This christmas seems more significant than Christmases in the past.  Mostly because we were only married for 6 years. I have come to that point in my widowhood where he has been gone longer than we were actually married.  I remember that first Christmas like it was yesterday. At that time I couldn't see past how the day would go, let alone what, how, or where I would be in 7 years.  It's definitely been interesting to say the least.

I found that my sadness didn't come in full force this holiday season like it usually does. It was more in small increments. It started with walking into Targeting and getting an eyeful of the Christmas decore that had vomited all over the store. I was suddenly struck  with an overwhelming urge to punch Christmas in the face. Along with a few choice words to the sales manage as to why the hell  they deemed it necessary to decorate for Christmas on November 1!  I revisited my need to compose the Crazy Widow Carol. "Deck your spouse because their dead, fa la la la la, la la la lahhhh.."
 Eventually my rage turned from anger into sadness when I saw the  sparkle of the christmas lights being hung in my neighborhood, and then on my house.  New tears of grief and hurt slid down my cheeks along with new levels of letting go. Not just in letting go of Pete but in letting go of a man who couldn't hold up to the challenges that life threw at him. Moments of kindness and love were replaced with animosity and loneliness. The more I held on the worse it  became. The joy and wonder was no more and nothing we did made it any better.  The only conclusion was to bless him, love him, and let him go. It was like leaving one of my lungs behind but in the end I could not  force two opposite magnets together.   It was in this letting go that I found myself once again in my driveway looking to the heavens while shouting in my mind "what the hell is going on here?" But like everything else God with his silent and tender ways, knew what He was doing.

With the weeks that passed I eventually stopped again and looked around my empty closet. Dread and a new sense of brokenness crept into my being and brought me to my knees. It was in these moments I found it hard to not only breathe but to separate the feelings of what once was death and  what was now the consequences to choices made.  It was in this new brokenness I remembered how God lit my path with a giant globe of love. Love from people that I knew and love from people that didn't know me but heard my story and were moved to help light my path.  This time there wasn't an outpouring of love, but a flicker of light from a single candle that God carried shining it on this new Crazy fork in the road.    It was in this fork in the road that held unexpected surprises and love that shockingly captured the hearts of not only myself but my children as well. Like many new journeys there is always speculation from the crowd deeming us failures before we even make it 100 yards. But, again I find myself still trying to conquer and let go of what the crowd thinks of me.  Yet it never ceases to amaze me whether it be in death, or  in forks of the road, how quick  the crowd is to lash out at me with their sharp tongues and jagged edges. For it is in these lashings that I still find myself cut and bleeding.  Being cursed and blessed as an empath I have moments where I want to succumb to their judgement, but I know this serves no purpose. It is with great strength and craziness that I ready myself with my shield of Grace and Love.

While this 7th Christmas season has brought about new revelations it has also bought new blessings as well. My younger brother, the youngest of 7 marred the girl of his dreams this weekend. I felt honored to witness such a beautiful event. I couldn't help but feel bittersweet in wishing that Pete could have been there in the flesh. Although I did feel his presence with me and noticed the way the candles seemed to glow more intently than usual.   I know Pete is proud of him and the boy that has transformed into this amazing, kind, and loving man.

The holidays hit us all in a multitude of ways whether it is remembering love lost, love that is now surrounded in angel wings or love that is only beginning, remember the sparkle and remember the magic. I am working on this as well. This 7th Christmas is different, not only do I stand surrounded in angel wings, I also stand with a new sparkle in my heart. One that isn't afraid to face the challenges that lie ahead. I stand with new courage, with new hope of magic around every corner, and I stand with new perspectives that I have gained had I not been wounded and forced to find my voice and speak my truth. So, with my own candle in hand along with my children and the candle lit by God leading our way. I hope all who read this find magic, joy, and craziness in unexpected forks in the road.  

No comments:

Post a Comment