Monday, November 19, 2012

Angel-versaries are Crazy..

I have gone around and around in my mind. Over and over about "What do I want to do for the upcoming angel versary. A part of me wants to go out with friends for dinner, but the other part not so much. A huge part of me just wants to let it pass me by. To come and to go. This year it feels like I don't need to make its presence known. I mean. I will know its "the day"  since I cant stop thinking about it. But right now it feels like What difference does it make. Its not like I don't miss him any less. I don't need a certain date to remind me with every breath that I take; that he isn't  here. Its a Crazy place to be in. Happy and grieving. What does that look like? This. No amount of moving forward with ever take the place of him. My heart will forever have a hole in it. I mean, its not a gaping wound any more (thank goodness) but what remains is a hole. A hole in my heart and a hole in my core. To know that I will never have that love again leaves me empty. That love, my Pete is not physically here. And on this upcoming Nov 21, I want to just let it wash over me. To come and to go. I want J and my kids with me. And i want to just be. Just be in tears, just be in laughter, just be in memory, just be Crazy, or just be sat on by Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo, with J holding my hand. I am grateful and full, yet empty too. Its not something the average person could grasp. Its a special place for those Crazy Widows, and Widowers to understand.
         Sometimes, I want to shout, at the top of my lungs, to all of those who have so much animosity towards me for moving forward. I can't stand still. I wont. They didn't know my Pete the way I did. Not in the same intimate way. He would never have wanted the kids and I to stand still. At some point I have to just let. it. go. I cant please every one, and after three years I am tired of trying. No amount of trying to see or explain to those on the outside looking in what the big picture really looks like. I loved Pete with every ounce that I ever was, and I will never stop loving him. Its just different now. I cant go back, I can only go forward. It's not moving on.. Did you hear me? Its not moving on.. It's moving forward. One angel-versary at a time.
            My sister mentioned to Aryanna the other night that she was so proud of her and that her Daddy would be so proud of her too. Which I tell her all the time. But I think, it was good for her to have someone else tell her  that they too thought her daddy would be so proud of her. She also mentioned that it would be almost three years since your daddy died. I cringed of course. I felt like "NO, why did you tell her that?"  you think she doesn't know that? You think that in her bones she doesn't know that? Why, did you bring it up? Does she really need to know that? She is already starting to put two and two together. That the age of CL is the number of years that Pete has been gone. She doesn't need to know dates. Someday when she is older I will tell her. But not at 7. She doesn't need a date to remember when her whole world turned upside down. With every step she takes, she remembers. She and Petey will never forget. Like me they too are healing but they also have a hole in their hearts.     I know I have heard it a million times. Kids are so resilient  Yes they are. But they are also the most sensitive little beings on the planet. And My kids are so in tune with their own emotions, as well as every one else in the house. They feel it. So they don't need to know whats around the corner they already know. So why mark it on the calendar. I know,  I can't protect them forever, obviously. But I can protect them for a little while.
       I wish I could just see his face. I really would like to talk to him. So many questions. Some random and bizarre  like.. Did you like your service? Did you like what I wrote about you? The music; what did you think? And some not so random.. Did you see your son being born? I know, I felt you there with me.  Can you believe how big Aryanna is? And Petey can you believe that he looks just like you, isn't that so Crazy? As if I could just call him up on the phone, like two best friends that haven't talked in years. Knowing that since he lives too far away  he can't come for a visit. But just to hear his voice. Most of all I want to know is he proud of me too. I know in my heart that he is. I just want to hear him  say it with my physical ears that he is.  I often feel his hand on my shoulder. Like he is sitting beside me as if I could just reach out and touch him... It never goes away the missing him. It just gets more bearable. I have learned to live with out him physically here. I never wanted to, but I had to. For me, for my children and even for him too.  
      I still don't know what I want to do on Wednesday. I do know that I will be surrounded in love, joy, and  tears. However with those tears comes remembering moments that are too scary to recall with sanity in tact. But the ones that are so abundant in love they drown those scary ones out. I am grateful to look upon my beautiful children that he blessed me with. To feel their arms around my neck, the strong steady hand of J's hand in mine and a unseen hand on my shoulder who has been here the whole Crazy time encircling us all in Angel wings.