Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Crazy worth?

If Pete would have just lived... What? Would I  have learned anything about myself ? I wouldn't know what it was like to bleed from the inside out and still remain breathing. I wouldn't have had to watch my kids suffer so much from the loss of their best friend and Daddy? I would still have him, to look into his eyes, and hear his laughter. But he didn't live. he died.
   Today feels like the kind of day where I feel like all my hard work at moving forward feels like I am standing still. Trying to constantly look at the positive can wear a person out at times. The constant motion just to keep going, to learn, to grow, to change to make it different and make a difference for that matter.. to remember who I was. to grieve the lost and try to just keep pulling, pushing, and tugging on those around me to keep moving forward. Cause there is no going back. I can't just keep re living those days in the hospital.. the days after that I only remember in fragments or from memories of what others tell me. I have to at some point just put them in a box and Label them 2009.
  Today I am angry, sad , and feelings of being worthless and not measuring up surround me. It seems that no amount of telling me that I am loved, will I hear it. cause right now I can;t feel it. I feel irrational, and lost a bit. like I just can't continue on today. I can't pick up the house, I can't keep in organized, and can't even paret, I feel angry at myself. and really that's what it boils down to. Angry at myself;  and really needing to figure out how to forgive myself. It's no ones fault, no one did anything, it's that I can't hear the love, I can't feel the love until I learn to love me.. And right now I don't see anything when I look in the mirror that is worth accepting of love... And weather its being mad at Pete, or for all the emotions and fears that I never allowed myself to feel, because there wasn't time before. I had to take care of my kids and stay pregnant. Then it was all about taking care of an infant and keep moving, and keep doing,  and learning how to do it on my own. And take care of the house and pay the bills, and worry about the money, and where it's coming from, and where its going, and, and, and. Its  not until recently that I have found love again and realizing how much I had missed it. With love comes fear, fears that are irrational or maybe only rational to someone like me who knows what its like to lose the love of your whole world.
     I loved Pete so much, I needed Pete in away that may not have been the healthiest. And I thought that he had saved me. And when he died I thought that I would NEVER have that again. I would never be safe again. I was so completely unaware of how I would live my life without him. Yet here I am two years later living my life. Being in charge of all the things that he did, along with doing the house and being a mother, a friend, a sister, a girlfriend a co worker the list goes on. Things that I never thought I could do, or would do. And while I should be so proud... it's in this moment I don't feel any of those.
  I know it is not rational. But it"s the hurt inside that take over and kills the rational side of me. It makes me stand still and feel like a concrete statue in my living room. I yell, and cry, and scream at myself on the inside. I berate myself and tell myself over and over that I am a bad parent. And the worthlessness creeps in and makes me feel like I just don't matter. Or that if Pete had  just lived... But that in itself is a whole other crisis. What if he had lived. Who know what all of the medicines and sickness would have done to him. Who is to say he would have been the same man.. and if he couldn't do the same things, that he had always loved, or if he couldn't move in the same manner he always had, would have changed him. Made him frustrated and mad to be in the position that he was in. Who is to say weather I wouldn't be grieving, but over the loss of a great man who once was and in his place was a man who looked just like Pete but acted nothing like him. The questions of if only Pete had lived... would he have really lived in the same manner? Or the question of What if he had healed completely and been the same happy go lucky man.. what then.
    I get that there is a reason.. though many say there isn't. I guess for me and my healing I have to believe that  there is a reason. If I think of the woman that I was before and the woman I am now.. it;s like night and day. I think I finally grew up. I was so scared to before...  If I could just look at how far I have come in these two years one would think I wouldn't hate myself so much. But for some reason and some issues that I don't want to talk about here...I believe that I have failed. The thing I have felt since I was a child, failure.. And I realize in this moment that is my next hurdle. Learning to forgive myself and learning to realize that I am not a failure.
   But in this moment.. I cry, for the pain I couldn't feel before, for the anger that seems to at times consume me. My "failures" to be the best mother, the best house keeper, the most organized, the best in my business, each thought crushes me and makes me feel unappreciated, and feelings of being worthless. However. I can say, that I know in the right and sane mind. I am not these things. I have to hope and know, that I strive not to be these things. That I am worthy of love, and acceptance. But it's not the acceptance from others that I need. It's the acceptance from myself. To believe in me, to love me, to trust in me. Only then can I hear, taste, feel, and breathe in the love and light that is surrounding me now, always has been and always will be. 


  1. I think so many mothers suffer these feelings of inadequacy and then frustration at not being able to do everything we think we're supposed to be doing. We put a lot of "shoulds" on ourselves (and on our kids, too!) and make our heads spin. This kind of thinking makes us bound to be disappointed. Your situation is more difficult because of losing Pete, but do know that you are not alone in feeling like a mess. Maybe you can pick one single task and accomplish it today and glory in that little bit of progress. (Do the next thing!) Take a picture of the end result if you have to. You are a hard worker and a beautiful soul. Praying that you'll feel renewed today.

  2. Kathryn,

    Thinking of you, my loss was totally different from yours, yet, I do fully understand the anger, confusion, the sense of failure, the inability to see beyond the hurt. We hurt because we love. It has been 5 years since my daughter's death, and even though I have continued my forward movement, I still have my days. The beauty in your words, is that you are allowing yourself to express your feelings, and that in of itself, is healing. Like you, when I write it down, it allows me to release my feelings and emotions, and over time I have slowly witnessed my comprehension and awakening. It does not lessen the pain, but it makes it easier to understand and cope with it. Alas, we are but mere mortals, and unless we learn to accept ourselves as we are, we continually struggle (trust me, not an easy fete). I have learned over time to laugh at myself, to look at who I am, who I am becoming, and to revel in the imperfections. We are all masterpieces and it is the imperfections that make us a work of art. Love is always with us, surrounding us, and our loved ones are always near. Take care of yourself. Love Rose Mary xoxoxo