Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Crazy grumpy, cranky, and irrational.

I have been so grumpy and cranky. Honestly! The holidays are supposed to be joyful. Especially Christmas, spending time with those you love. Doing all of the fun things that go with Christmas. Making cookies, getting a tree and putting up decorations. But, for me it feels like, "Crap, Christmas is here again...well, shit!" I mean it's one thing to feel that way, however it's another to bite everyone's head off that comes into my breathing space. Even my own children. I should be making this fun for them, not making it worse. When it came time to decorate the tree I had no Christmas spirit at all! I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted someone else to just put the lights on and decorate the damn tree without me.  I didn't want to hear the kids endless chatter about where to put the ornaments, or all of the random comments and questions about special ornaments. Like "how old was I when I got this ornament, or I remember I got this when I was 3 years old." I just didn't want to participate in the whole, "I remember when" stories. I mean shouldn't I want to? And shouldn't I be happy that they can remember when they spent time with their Daddy decorating the tree? However, it was in that moment, that I just wanted no part of it. I felt bad for them, that I was such a grouch.  Yet, I could not seem to change my attitude or the thoughts that were all swirling around in my head.
  Tonight I went with a friend to Toys R Us, to go shopping for the kids. gratefully, the kids stayed at home. I was so grateful that my friend came with me to help keep me on track, and to make sure that I had an even amount of gifts for each child. So there wouldn't be arguing between siblings. However being in that store can drive a parent to drink. In fact I did come home and have a margarita! Too many toys, and too many people and too many screaming and angry children. The parents, and the kids are hot, tired, possibly hungry and everyone just wants to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.  If one is going to go into that store, one must at least be prepared with a list and at least some clue of how much one wants to spend. Forget about the idea of how much time you want to spend in there. Because it is always going to take way longer than you think it will. Luckily, I had a partner to keep me focused. Those of you who know me well, know this is a very helpful thing for me! I was fine while I was in the store, it was getting to the cash register is when I felt like I might jump off a building. I mean I had a rough estimate of how much money I was going to spend but when one hears the total, I don't think anyone, can ever be prepared enough, when shopping for three kids.
   I made it out to the car with all of my purchases, feeling like I needed to stop and ask for some oxygen on the way home. But, as my friend reminded me, it was less than last year, and It was Christmas after all. I didn't go hog wild. I got them stuff I know they will love, and things I will love watching them open. It was just the shock of it all. By the time I got home I had talked my self down enough to be calm with the kids and tell them all about my visit with Santa's elves. Or so I thought. I walked in the door and I was fine. A and P asked me about the elves and what their names were. Aryanna of course wanted to know what they were wearing and which ones were the boys and which ones were the girls. :) I gave CL a bath and started to get everyone ready for bed. That's when the irritation and grumpy came out. That obnoxious attitude, that I can't seem to stop. Almost like I was looking for a fight. I didn't get one. Instead I went outside with my friend, ranting and raving about how much money I had spent, and what it had done to my bank account. The fear that someone was going to yell at me, and how I was sure that my brother in law was going to be just irate with me in thinking I was so irresponsible. And how on top of it all I was just down right mad that I had to do it again without Pete. While feeling like a complete jackass, that I should be feeling so, grateful that I don't have to physically spend it alone again this year. That I should be so grateful, to have someone who loves me and wants to share this holiday and the ones to come with me and my kids.  My friend looked at me and said. "I am not going to give you the fight you think you deserve, I don't think you spent too much in fact I think you did pretty well in shopping for three kids."
   Even now as I sit here and type this I can't help but feel so grateful for God and the universe and Pete for bringing him into my life. Yet, why the anger? I am happy. Yet, I am not. I am still mad that he is there and I am here.  Really, that he is even there at all. That, any of this, had to happen at all. In some ways, I can finally feel like, I am getting some steady ground in my life, and then this awful crazy comes in, and it always catches me off guard. As if someone is physically pushing me down on the cold hard ground. And I never seem to brace myself for the fall. I am angry that again, I have to relive the fall. I always stand up and brush myself off. But instead of in the past, being sad and crying that I got hurt. Now it seems I am mad as hell that some idiot pushed me down. Damn him! He pushed me down again. It makes me want to fight. It makes me want to put my fist through a wall. It makes me want to scream and shout, and yell "I am going to kick your ass!"
   I can only guess this is yet another stage of grief. The Angry stage. Wonderful!! Thank you Freud. On some level I guess I haven't really been mad. I mean I have been mad at Pete. I used to put the kids in the car and then come back in the house and call him every name in the book. But it's Christmas for God's sake. And if that wasn't bad enough I realized that this year on his birthday, Which is Christmas eve, would have been his 40th birthday! Again, can I just say WTF?? His dad used to say he was the best Christmas gift ever. And he is right. He was the best Christmas gift. Another milestone. Another year. Another Christmas. Another Birthday. And the grumpy's are just wanting to rip open my chest and come jumping out of me yelling. Here I am again!! I want to throw something. I can't seem to be happy for all those lovely people and families who send me Christmas cards with pictures of their adorable family on the front. I can't take the cutesy of it all. They have what looks like the perfect family! Their husband/ daddy didn't die leaving them to pick up the pieces. Stop smiling at me. Stop looking so happy, stop rubbing it in that you have the life I used to have, stop hugging your daughter so tight, as she so lovingly looks into her daddy's eyes. She at least has a daddy to look at. My kids don't have a god damn daddy that they can physically look at!!  See what I mean? Grumpy, cranky and down right angry and not nice.
  I should  be so happy for all those lovely families that send me their families. Because I know they are just wanting me to know they are thinking of me. And that maybe by my seeing their smiley faces I will be reminded of all those people that love me, and my beautiful children. I know this. I should be so grateful, I should be so happy that I am no longer so desperately lonely, That I am no longer utterly alone all the time. I should be lucky, that I have a house and money to buy Christmas presents with, and to be surrounded by such loving friends, loved ones, and family. Yet, even though I know all of these things it doesn't stop the irrational thinking. It doesn't stop the grumpy the cranky and the bah humbug feeling just lurking below the surface. I don't wish any of my experience, my loss on anyone. I would truly hate for another family to be ripped apart by the loss of a parent, spouse, and child..
  The holiday's just bring out the crazy in all of us. The closer it gets to Christmas they crazier some people get. and in some cases, the crazier the actual crazy's get. lol  Seriously, we so often forget as families, that we are all so lucky, and so blessed. While I may be angry, I still know underneath it all, I am loved. From the crazy family Christmas cards, to the random phone calls from my mother checking on me. I am lucky that I know how to love. Love my children, love my family, love the new friends in my life. And most of all I loved Pete. And he loves me.  He taught me to love and be loved. So, while this holiday season I may be feeling a bit more crazier than usual. A bit more angry, a bit more cranky and a bit more irrational. I still know that I am lucky, that I am blessed, that I am loved, and for that I am grateful.

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