Thursday, July 21, 2011

Crazy stones...

Today is the 21st. Which means that is has been 21 months since Pete has passed. I wonder how long I will notice the 21st of every month. Personally I am tired of noticing. It seems the more I try to avoid it the more I notice that the 21st is just around the corner.  I miss him more these past few days. I mean really? how could I miss him more than I already do.. But I think it has to do with the recent events.
  Sunday afternoon I had to call my Aunt to come and get me to take me to the ER. I have a kidney stone and it was on the move. There I was lying on my bedreoom flooor. Crying and not able to move. With three sets of eyes all looking at me and climbing on me trying to figure out what was wrong with Mommy. I litterally could not move. The pain was so bad it took everything I had to crawl to my phone to cal my aunt. Luckily my neighbor was home so she watched the kids while my Aunt drove me to the ER.  I didn't want to go. I did not want to step one foot inside of a hospital. But at this point I had no choice. Since I felt as though my kidney was being ripped in two. So, in I went.
   I gave the nurses all the information that I could and then it was off to a room. I walked in and turned right back around. As if to leave. Thinking to myself. "I can't do this"/ Thank good ness for my aunt. She held me close and said. "Honey you are going to feel so much better" So we joked about the riduculous gown that I had to wear. and watied for them to start an IV. IV in, blood drawn, Meds in. Thank goodness for heavy pain meds. :) then off to get a CT scan.  The CT showed I basically had an 8 mm kidney stone stuck and blocking the ureter. And that It needed to come out. *panic*  I don't want to go anywhere, where I have to have something out. That means more hospitals.. more.. stuff that I don't want to see. Just more. Too much more.
  Dr. gave me some meds to take and told me to follow up with the other dr on Monday morning. Only come back if the pain was worse. Well the pain got worse. So Monday morning at 6am My Aunt is pulling kids from their beds to take me back to the ER. We got there, I fell out of the car and hobbled my way into the ER again. As my Aunt and kids were pulling away. Aryanna asks.."Why are we taking mommy to the ER" Bless My Aunt. She says. "Well the doctors aren't in thier offices yet. so they come to the ER to see people before the office opens. And since your mommy needs to see a dr before the office opens this is where we take her."  I knew that Aryanna would ask. It had to be so De ja vu for her. The last time she saw her Daddy. Mommy was driving him to the hospital and he walked into the ER never to come out again...
   Back to the room, more blood work and more meds. Now a new Dr said "It has to come out today" So my sister came to get me and off we went to the main hospital to be prepped. Waited for about 3 hours and then in I went to the OR. I was so nervous. and Eeveryone was so nice. Some very nice nurse held my hand and told me it was going to be OK. I so needed that. Got knocked out. they did the procedure "surgery" and I was waking up in no time. however I was still terribly uncomfortabel but at least the boulder was no more.
  Now comes the recovery... I survived the hospital. I survived the ER, the procedure, the IV's the blood. You name it I did it. I am in this state of after shock. I am not taking the heavy meds anymore. ( Don't really like to take them) the only thing I am on is the antibiotic and the blue pill that helps with the stint pain. ( Can;t wait to get that out!!!)  The main thing I hate most about heavy pain meds is how weepy they make me feel. . Mixed with all the anxiety  and the constant fear that I can't do this... To the point I litterally want to just run away. Get on an airplane and go somewhere else.
  The one place I want to go on that airplane I can't go to today... In the middle of all this crazy. Lies some truth.  Truth that I don't like to face. Truth that I don't want to face.   I am still here and Pete is still there. I am where I am supposed to be and Pete is where he is supposed to be.. It is what it is.  To those poeple who have not spent a great deal inside of a hospital or even spent enought time in one to watch someone die. The last thing I ever wanted to do was spend time in a hospital. But there I was facing all those things that I never wanted to do again. In 48 hours I stared my fear in the face. However it is that fear and that grief that has haunted me these past few days. Making it at times impossible to function. Feeling as though I could not take one more step forward. Today I didn't. Instead after I put the kids in the car. turned on the AC and a movie. I came back into the house a laid down face first on my bedroom floor and sobbed like a baby.   No one came in to wrap their arms around me and whisper in my ear that it would be OK.  To hold me close rocking me gently. Soothing the hurt that could no longer stay hidden inside. There were no words to yell. Just anguish and pain from the reality of the past few days, mingled with the anniversary of 21 months.
  I don't know how long I laid there. Probably not as long as I would have liked. I was worried the kids would be worried about me. So I stood up put my sunglasses on and continued to let the tears roll. There comes a time when it's pointless to act like I am not in pain. Weather it's physical pain or emotional pain. often times as of lately it has been both. There was no one to comfort me but me. I could feel Pete's spirit with me.. I know he was there. But it was me who stood up, shook my hair free and walked to the car.. It is me who pulls the choker collar off every morning and throws it on the table, it is me who holds my babies when they cry and miss their Daddy, or even the way their life used to be. It is me who walked into that hospital and faced the cold hard truth again. And it is me who is healing from the inside out.


  1. Love you! I am 2 minutes away if you ever need ANYTHING, I am there! Take my entire day, take my entire night, take whatever strength I can give you, it is yours to have.......I am only sorry I can't give you what you want most, I would if I could.
    Debby K

  2. Wow, Kathryn, you should write a book! Wonderfully told. I don't know how you do it. Jenny Kim

  3. Love you Kathryn ~ Melissa B.