Tuesday, July 5, 2011

a crazy "blip"..

I wrote this part of the "story" first but fell asleep while writing it. But it's still good, and thought it needed to be shared too.

 Today Is Aryanna's 6th Birthday ( July 2,). I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it was. Silly me!! It was hard. I did lots of crying and at times moments where I felt I could not keep going. My heart was heavy, so heavy that it felt it was pushing down on my lungs. As if the upper half of my body was caving in on itself. Huge tears rolled down my face. With thoughts of. "I can't do this" I can't do this without him."  I needed him with me. By my side. Not up in the clouds. Here, on this plane!!
  I found myself in moments of just survival mode. Like I didn't care if the party started and everything wasn't just perfect. I felt I should be entertaining but.. I just didn't have it in me. I wandered through Walmart like a zombie picking up the things on my list and not thinking about anything else. I wasn't feeling. I should have been like "Lady!! Get going. you have 4 things on your list and people coming to your house in like an hour and a half." But I wasn't thinking about that. I just wasn't thinking. Made it out of the store only to realize I forgot one of the main reasons I went there. Chase Leo's milk. I was frustrated but not enough to go back in the store and get some more. I was here... but I wasn't.

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