Friday, March 11, 2011

Crazy sickness...

Too many sick kids, just too much. I was rocking Chase Leo to sleep this evening. As I was wishing that he would just go to sleep. I was also chanting I wish you were here Pete. Over and over in my head. As if wishing was going to bring him back. If only...
  My boys have had the stomach flu this week. Petey got sick early Saturday morning. Luckily it wasn't one of those hours and hours of throwing up. He was sick twice and then just slept it off. However just as soon as I thought I was done with the flu, it came back with a vengeance. Chase Leo got it. He got it really really bad. He was sick for four days. He threw up literally for four days. It was insane. I have been thrown up on so many times this week, that it's just not pretty. Thankfully CL is much better today and is starting to eat and be hungry.  But Aryanna came home from school and said her tummy hurt. She didn't really eat dinner until late this evening. She did have a low grade fever. I am hoping that she too can just sleep it off.
  It's this whole idea of dealing with sick children by myself that makes me feel like I am banging my head against the wall. I mean, it's not like I can really ask anyone to come in and help me. They then run the risk of getting the flu themselves. I can't ask anyone to watch my sick kids so that I can run here or there b/c no one wants there kids to get it. I mean really, you don't want this in your house!!  But before when Aryanna or Petey was to get sick in the night, there was another set of hands. Someone else to worry with me. To help care for the kids, heck to even care for me. On a side note I am so, so, so, Blessed that I did not get it!! Thank You Lord for that blessing. Even then who could come and care for me, or care for the kids if I am throwing up every where. It just feels like this week was too much. Just too much. Tired of doing in alone all the time. Always being the constant caretaker. I mean I hate it when they are sick. Absolutely, hate. it. There is only so much you can do. The virus or bug or whatever, just has to run it's course. I can hold them and snuggle them but I can't take it away for them.
  With this "sick" week my grief has been worse. I know that the kids grief has been worse. I can remember when Aryanna got the flu soon after Pete had passed and she was crying in her sleep, "I want daddy".  God, it was awful. There was nothing I could do. I just sat in her rocking chair and sobbed, chanting "I want your daddy too". It shattered my heart even more.  It was while I was holding Chase Leo that I realized that he doesn't miss his daddy, he doesn't know, that anything is missing. I mean so many people would say that, that is a blessing, and yet it breaks my heart too. Today I was folding the worlds biggest load of towels. and CL pointed to a picture of Pete holding Petey and smiled. He said Da, which made me smile. He knows. even though he doesn't.
   I sit here now.. when I should probably be in bed. Too many nights of not sleeping and yet I can't sleep. I was putting clean sheets on my bed and I thought. "Ya know I hate doing this. I wash these sheets and then I make the bed. Just so that I can pull back the covers and slide into them alone". I have started putting all the pillows on one side of the bed and then burrowing in. It makes the bed seem smaller and not so big and alone.  Often times I feel like my mother. How many times did she do the same thing. And I remember wondering "why does she do that?" or "How can she breathe with all those blankets on top of her?" Now I know. It's comforting. It's like a nest. That is just big enough for me. No wiggle room. No worry of reaching over too far and feeling the empty space beside me.  Sometimes when the lonely creeps in and sinks into my skin there is nothing to do but cry.  But for now, I have figured out some ways of coping and if it means that the pillows are piled to the ceiling so that I can sleep in my cozy bed, then I guess so be it.  
  I miss him, and yes I know that I will always miss him. But like this bug/sickness, There is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run it's crazy course.

1 comment:

  1. We're both working on letting our grief run its course, but I sometimes wonder if that will ever stop?

    Like you, I've had to deal with the empty bed. I love your take on laundering the sheets, then sliding into an empty bed. My sheets are in the washer now, and I so identify. I've taken to sleeping in the middle of the bed. That way, I'm got a little of James' side along with my own, and the bed doesn't have that huge empty space, although my heart does.

    Thinking of you,
    Brenda Coffee