If I hear one more person tell me that they understand my pain. I am going to shout!!! If you have not lost a spouse then you don't get it!. Thats it. You just don't get it. The pain and loss of losing a child is horrid. I can't imagine it. But I would not stand there and tell you that I understand, because I don't. Instead I understand your grief. There are similarities in grief and loss. But everyones loss is completely different. If you have lost your grandparents it is completely not even in the same category as the loss of a spouse, parent or a child. Its just not. The. Same.
My mother in law gave me this beautiful book called " Letter to a Grieving Heart" It was such a good book that I stood in my driveway and read the whole thing. However it brought up many things that i didn't want to remember right now. But then there is never a "good" time to remember things right? Doesn't it always seem that when you are grieving or in severe pain, people crawl or run to you. But if say you are down in the dumps or having a hard day.. then it feels like I just have to suck it up and deal. He is never coming back. End of story. However the pain remains the same. It hurts the day he died and it hurts today. I may not feel like slitting my wrists today but I still hurt for him. Something, that no one can understand unless again you have lost your spouse, your child, the love of your life. What gets me so frustrated at times is that not only did I lose the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, the father of my children and husband. I lost all of those people, that made up one person in 3 1/2 very short weeks. And sometimes I just want to shout "Really...???" I can't get my best friend back. Ever. That man that made up Pete is just not coming back.
No one will ever replace him. But Someone, could see me, possibly even catch a glimpse of the me that Pete loved so much. But yet even then. The "friend" can't understand the loss. And wouldn't know where to begin. But is it possible to ask them to try? Is that fair? Will the "friend" feel competition for my affection. Between a dead man, friend, spouse, lover, and father. Is that too much to ask? Is it worth it?
Its the constant frustration. I stand and look at my situation and think "Um.. yeah, there is no way anyone would want this.." Me ? Yes I think they could/would want me. But it's three kids. They then have to find the love and acceptance of three beautiful and adoring children. Who are protective of me, of each other and still grieve the loss of their Daddy. It feels constricting and suffocating. Then I want to Shout "But I am worth it! I know we are!" Aren't we? We are healing, and we are seeing the light. We are allowing another in to the secret space...
Still it keeps coming back. The roadblock. Maybe it's not that. Maybe the right person wouldn't see it as that. That this ache, this pain and suffering was part of the journey. That we chose. I know that I am not incapable of love,. I do feel at times that I am incapable of accepting it. Even as I write that it feels like a contradiction. What have i been wanting.. someone to love me. Hold me and tell me that this pain is over. I know, I know, it will never be completely over it will just heal. and the memories remain. That beauty and that joy, of that life, I had before. I can embrace it. Mourn the loss of it. But yet be grateful for it. That life, that Man that I so completely loved taught me so many things about life, friendship, parenting and just sheer joy that I might never have known. It's taking all those things that Pete gave to me and trying to fit them into the being I was then, and mold it into the being I am becoming. Is it possible? Yet I question myself and my motives. I can pour out the love, but why can't I let it in. As if I am punishing myself for some reason. Because Pete is not here. I punish myself because I lived and he didn't. And thats what it comes too. So irrational. I know. But it's a sudden realization that has just come to me in this very moment.
I have met someone. Someone who has made me feel alive. I thought I was dead. And I started to look around and realize that I wasn't. It is a weird feeling. I am breathing. I am living in this life, right now. Wide awake. I have a pulse, my blood flows freely through out my body and my heart pumps. I have three beautiful children, who know happiness and laughter. And Yet I don't think I knew that. Yet I hold back. It's me. When I thought it was this new "friend". yes he too does hold back. And for God's sake why wouldn't he. But I hold back too. I know what you are thinking. "Of course you hold back you lost your spouse, what did you think would happen when you found someone else? That you could go back?" My answer is that No, rationally I knew that I could not got back. And I have my eyes wide open. I think it's my heart that maybe not as open. While I do have feeling for him. that I thought at first was so strange. Why? I mean I am married for God's sakes. But No, I am not. Pete is Physically not here. By law, I am a widow. I have the papers that say so.
The craziness of it all... Is telling myself that I had no problem letting this person in. saying" It is what it is." And yet still realizing that I am punishing myself for living. Something a well rounded, optimistic person doesn't do. Or shouldn't. Or at least thats What I feel on the inside. I know my Pete. He would not be happy to know that I feel I should punish myself for feeling happy with someone else. I have spread my arms out and said "take it or leave it". "friend" wants to take it. I know, if I was sane I wouldn't' say Why? but still Why? I can't help it. I can give, but I can't receive. And there's the big question. Am I a lost cause? I don't know... Should I know? By the way for those of you who know me well know that I don't do anything half way. It's all or nothing. So for me to stand on the edge and try to be careful is hard. But , I am careful for my kids. And I have tried to push really hard recently and I get no where but anxious. So, apparently being careful is the best way to do it. You can bet that I won't be in a white dress tomorrow if that is what you are worried about.
So now what. Take life as it comes? Yeah OK. And? What about all the questions? It's coming to that place where I can see that there really is life out there. Which sounds so damn stupid. As if I am that Reba MacEntire song. I just don't know how to say it, I know you all are shocked!! But here is a quote that I just read that says it perfectly:
" How do you drag a heavy, frozen heart around every day and night? It's exhausting. Like a fever. But cold. And you think you will never feel very much again. Except pain." (Letter to a grieving Heart ~ Billy Sprague)
That's what it's like. However now, My heart is starting to thaw. It feels. It warms. It breaths. It beats. Its loved. This heart that only knew how to bleed and cry and bleed some more. This heart that is learning to heal and let someone else in. It's confusing. It's frustrating. It's happy. It's sad, It's grieving. How can I feel all those things at one time and still want more. I want it all. I want the kids to feel complete joy. I am not saying that I need this friend to feel whole. It's that I am becoming aware that I am whole even without Pete. I am whole weather I ever love again or not. That feeling or realizing that I can take all those things that Pete taught me and the ones I learned in grief and put them together to BE, Whole!! TO be whole with the kids. And if I can see that right now, then I owe it to myself to receive too. Right? That I am worth it, That Pete thinks I am worth it. That this new "Friend" thinks I am worth it. That I owe it to my kids to teach and show them that we are worth it. I mean I have no doubt that they are worthy of it. They are beautiful and wonderful little beings. Demanding.. but worthy. Yet it's me that stands on the edge and questions weather I am worthy of it. It's in these moments that I put this all together. That it start to settle into my mind, my heart, my body. And it make me wonder?
This post has been insightful, not just to you. But to me the author. There are still questions that remain, and yet new awakenings that settle into my new "being". Guess we will all have to see what crazy adventure the kids and I have next. And what crazy things will I think or evaluate about myself. What a crazy journey this is...