To me it seems there are certain things that little boys need that only a Daddy can offer. I mean Mommy can only do so much. Say for example Rough Housing. Yes, Mommy can wrestle their boys but only to a certain point. There is just some things that "Daddy's" do better. The other one is sports. I know there are many, many, woman who are very good at sports and excel at them. I , however am not one of them. I can ride a horse and I can play baseball. But, to teach my son anything about sports is not my expertise. I was raised by musicians. My mom was very, very, I do mean very, girlie. So therefore when she was blessed with three little girls she created us all in her image. My dad was into sports but, I would not say he was an active participant. The only thing I remember my dad doing well where sports was concerned. was Tennis. He loves Tennis and Horseback riding. So, when he and my mom were married and he had only girls, there are three things he taught us to do. 1. Ride a horse, 2.Shoot a gun, 3. Play tennis. However that being said. One has to be athletic in order to play tennis. And if you have three very girlie girls, the chances are slim that any of them will be that athletic. But I can proudly say that if push came to shove I could probably play tennis, not well or gracefully but I could. I am also a fantastic horsewoman and I don't miss my target.
However back to being a boy, I am not. I am a Mommy. I could teach Petey to ride a horse, but not play tennis. I don't really know the first thing about football. Although I do like to watch it. I understand it enough to watch it, but get all confused about what makes it a first down... I can teach Petey about art, and music. But would not have any clue as to where to begin with say hockey for example. I was watching him today with his Abuelo (Pete's Dad) They were outside playing T-Ball. Pete Sr. was giving him pointers on where and how to hold the bat. Petey, is just like his Daddy. If a ball is involved you can bet he will master it. I am grateful for Abuelo for showing Petey the things he needs to know. But at the same time I feel sad and empty that his Daddy isn't here to show him how. Pete would have loved that. Even now as I sit here on my couch I can see his smile and hear his laughter. As he would marvel at Petey and the things that his "little boy" can do.
But it's not just the sports. I mean, Pete was going to teach Aryanna about cars. (That is another thing that I don't know much about either.) Not saying that I can't learn.. I suppose I could . But it was Pete's job. He was supposed to be here to do these things for his children. To share with them. To share his hobbies, his talents, his gifts. It feels to me that they are missing out. They are missing out on so many things and it just doesn't seem right!! When Pete was alive, Aryanna already knew about the transmission. We were in the car and she said " Mommy you need to put that stick on the N like Daddy does. He said it's b/c the the transmission is slipping!" She was like 3 and a half. Petey is 3 and a half and doesn't know that. Who is going to teach him that? Aryanna used to be so balanced in liking both the so called "boy things" and "girl things." Now it's just girl things. cause there is no "boy" here to teach her.
I know I am sure you are thinking. Well Pete's not here , why don't you figure it out. And I guess At this point I don't want to. I want Pete to do it. But he can't, and that just doesn't seem right. I never thought I would be one of those people as an adult to say "It's just not fair." But really lets be honest, "It's just NOT fair!!" What must it be like for A and P to see Daddy's with their kids at the park. I am realistic and realize that even kids who have Daddy's in their lives are not always active "Daddy's" Or, that their are lots of single mom's doing the "Daddy" job too. B/c in reality there are a lot of deadbeats out there. On the flip side though there are a lot of really, really great Daddy's.
I do realize as well, that Petey won't grow up not knowing how to play football, or soccer, or even Tennis for that matter. He will get guidance from somewhere. It's just not where I wanted it to come from. Where Petey would have wanted, or needed it to come from. It's in these little moments that I realized how much Pete is missing out. Aryanna and Petey are missing out. I do realize that it's temporary this feeling of missing out. I just wish it wasn't this way. Is that part of grieving? realizing it? Yet accepting it and seeing the rational side too? Knowing that it won't be forever but still having to feel it. That feeling of missing out.
For me I hate to go to a big park where lots of families are together all playing. The sight of the little girl squealing with laughter as her Daddy pushes her so high on the swing. Or the Little boy yelling " Daddy look I caught it!" Or the intimate way that Mommy looks at Daddy over the heads of their children sharing a moment of pride and joy. It's me, looking at my kids faces watching and waiting as they too absorb all that is going on around them. That look of longing, and searching for him in the crowd. Like if they could just look hard enough they would see Pete emerge from the other side of the park. It's me pasting on a smile and pulling them behind me trying to pretend that it will be so much fun.. Just wait and see.. It's me wondering how am I going to keep track of all three of them. Who is going to play catch with Petey? How will I push Aryanna on the swing, and try and keep all the mulch out of Chase Leo's mouth. I want that family scene, I want that back. It's that frustration of knowing that I still grieve for it. That impatient side of me that is stomping her foot yelling "I will not be that woman at the park." You know the one who stands off to the side, with the sad and empty smile. While her kids run in all different directions and she doesn't know which one to go after first.
I know I have to find the peace in myself to accept it. That this is my life now. But I can dream. And I can pray that God brings me a man that Pete would love, his kids and his wife loving. A man who can Love A, P and CL like they were his own . Yet being OK with the fact that they are not biologically his. A man who can be that Daddy type for A, P and CL. To share in those intimate moments between father and son, father and daughter. And even those intimate smiles between a Mommy and a Daddy, of pride and joy. Sometimes there seems to be so much gray area, so much red tape. The hopeless romantic in me that wants to just shout "Love will conquer all!" Love will accept the crazy, the uncertain, the grey area, the red tape. Love will bypass the confusion in "I am not your Daddy, I could never be your Daddy, but I love you like a Daddy."
I know it's all craziness. My fears of the kids missing out. My fears of not being able to be everything for my boys all the time. Trying to raise men, and yet wanting a man of my own too. Too much? Maybe. But then I never do things the easy way. That would be too easy right? I do know this. I may be crazy, but I never do anything half way. Whether that be worrying about things that I cannot change ( I know if you cant change it then why worry) Or loving my kids or that special someone with such passion and intensity. I know that woman that Pete loved is inside of me, but I also know that this woman I am becoming now is strong, beautiful, intense, but also learning to love herself.
I know that rationally A, P and CL won't miss out forever. They will have that special someone not just for Mommy, but for them too. That even for the crazy, the gray area, the red tape. There is Love. For all of us. That is what Pete would want. Its knowing that together the kids and I are lovable even though we may be a whole ball of crazy!! Always unexpected and never for one minute boring.