I have fallen on the ice too many time. This last fall was probably the worst one. I was carrying Chase Leo in the car seat and Petey and Aryanna were walking in front of me. We were headed to the car to take Aryanna to dance. One minute I was standing and the next I wasn't. Chase Leo in his car seat was fine but me I am sore. Really sore. On the way down The carseat hit the inside of my arm, then I hit my chin on the handle of the carseat and finally landed on my hip. Needless to say my body and hip really, really hurt.
As I sit here tonight on this couch thinking how badly my hip hurts, I also realize how much I hurt on the inside. I miss him. If he were here now he could rub my hip and make it feel better. He could help carry the baby to and from the car so I wouldn't have to. So many things that I need help with or want help with would be so much easier if he was just here.
The kids and I had group tonight. It was tonight that I realized that I had been coming there since Chase Leo was only two weeks old. Goodness, how time goes by..and yet how it doesn't. Lately I feel like the days and hours just crawl by. I have so much anxiety it seems impossible to breathe.
I guess tonight feels more melancholy than say any other night. Right now I feel that maybe I pushed to hard. That I wanted too much and my expectations failed me. Usually I consider myself to be a good judge of character but now I am second guessing. The question remains then, What did I learn? I guess don't do things the old way. Somethings really are just on the surface. That not everybody wants to be read like a book. I realized that I do really love beautiful words and didn't realize how much I had missed them. However there seems to be lots of backtracking going on and I don't know what to believe. Is it me? Is it them? Was it too much ? Was I too much? The intensity of who I am and who I have always been still lies inside of me. Apparently I went in with more than just my heart on my sleeve. Did I care too much? Maybe. But then Why does that always have to be a bad thing. To inspire, to lift up. Two different paths and yet ours crossed at the right bump in the road.
So now what? Go on, keep going on. Even though for now I feel that I took a ride on the wild side. I got burned, but not scorched. It's all part of the learning process. Someone recently told me that they usually try not to let emotions get in the way. That one must always be logical. I thought Why? What's wrong with doing it both ways. Can't you be logical and think with your heart. Your core. If one is only logical all the time then how do you know how it will sit in your body. It's your core that tells you the truth. They said that every time they thought with their heart instead of they're logic they got burned. I said then how do you know it's worth getting burned? Did logic tell you that it was worth it?
The good news, I learned some things about myself. Some things about "Kathryn" that I thought were long gone. Things that I miss, things that I will always do and be. I gained confidence, knowledge and truth. To trust in me. To believe in myself. That on this journey I will still get burned, But not crushed. That I am worth it. And that I am still one Crazy Lady.