Monday, February 28, 2011

A crazy story...

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young woman filled with such happiness.. She had found her Prince. She would say "I know that sounds so cliche"  and yet it was so true. That once young woman sits here now and recalls her wedding. She thinks about that beautiful young woman. The joy on her face. and the realization. that no more would there be pain or suffering. That the man she was marrying was bringing joy and light and life into her world. He changed everything. Making her so lucky to be his! He had called her his and she had called him hers. Always to be together. Hearts united together. Never to part or be alone again. The pain, the abuse, was behind her now. What stood in front of her was a beautiful, loving, caring, man who loved her so unconditionally. And she loved him with every breath of her whole existence.
 The way he looked at her. The way her caressed her skin and kissed her softly, yet with such passion and love. Granted he was not perfect but she loved him for everything he was, for everything he wasn't and for everything that she believed he could be. The wedding was beautiful. All their friends and family supporting and praising for a wonderful union of two beautiful and strong people.  What a glorious day that was. Everything beautiful from her gown to glow in their eyes when they looked at each other. Sharing secret smiles and inside emotions that only they understood. When they danced he held her close and smiled a smile that lit up the whole room. Laughter and joy filled everyones hearts. For they knew what a beautiful life these two beings would have. They knew that these two would be "that" couple. Passionate, tender and sweet. Yet bold, intense and tentative all at the same time. They sparkled in each others presence. A sparkle unlike any other.
  They settled down in a small house. Making it their own. Simple and yet homey. She soon got pregnant after 2 years of marriage. He delighted in her and told her beautiful things. Even though she felt as big and swollen as a house. They both had a vision for the baby's room and together they created it in love. He painted and she stood back in awe of his beautiful gift that God had blessed him with. They filled their new baby's room with love and a beautiful garden. She would dream of putting their baby girl to sleep in that room. She daydreamed as she was lying on the floor. Looking up at the giant tree painted in the corner with its roots going down into the floor and it's branches reaching up so high into the clouds above. The rolling hills so delicately and freely painted. With the one small touch that she added of flowers springing up form the grasses that he had painted. Filling baby's room with a crib and a rocking chair. Bedding flourished with butterfly's and lady bugs. She would sit in the corner in that rocking chair that he had given her.  Look up at the clouds that he had painted in this whimsical room, holding her belly and caressing her baby from the outside in. filled with wonder of the new adventure that she and him were about to explore.
  The blessed event arrived with lots of labor and finally a c-section. Aryanna was born Jylu 2. Her beautiful baby girl was here. Her Daddy so proud of his baby girl, he held her so close with such pride. A new little sparkle to add to the two big ones in her life. The Daddy loved her and cared for her, delighted in her and thanked her mama for working so hard to bring this bundle of joy into their lives. He was filled with so much love and joy he thought he would pop from the excitement of it all. Taking it in, and absorbing it into his mind, body and soul. How he felt blessed to have such beauty in his life. One woman and one little girl.  Both he loved and adored. With feelings of being the luckiest man alive.
   He taught his little girl and shared in her joy and the things that she relished. He showed her the things that brought him joy and he shared in them with her. holding her hand and encouraging her to find her own way but with a touch of help from Mommy and Daddy. She was not an easy baby. What with her mama's fire and her daddy;s stubborn streak but she was strong, healthy and independent.
   Within a year. The Mommy and Daddy decided it was time to add onto their family. The mama got pregnant within a few months. Before they knew it they were to be blessed with a boy. The father so happy and full of pride. and the Mama feeling so blessed to have now two men in her life to love. Again she stood and watched as her husband and man of her dreams fill the new baby's room with love and a beautiful painting. This one fit for a little king. He filled the room with a vision of airplanes. including a garage for the plane. She watched him as painted the trees. each stroke of his hand with the brush. Watching the tree's fill in around the room. As he painted the sky so blue and with so many dimensions. He carefully and diligently added the touches of fluffy white clouds. Giving one a true sense of flying. He found the perfect decals for the room and placed them in the exact place. Filling her with a feeling that if she stood there long enough she would hear the sound of the engines as they flew over her head. The closet painted with gray colored bricks. And old vintage signs hung on the "garage walls". She marveled in his master piece. And looked on with such pride as he took his old dresser as a child and painted it to look just like a craftsman tool box. She added the delicate touches that Mommy's add. The quilt with the airplanes on them for the baby's bed. The sheets with the vintage trucks and airplanes. She again laid on the floor and would look up at the sky he had painted. Watching the clouds go by. With wonder and excitement of yet another new journey.
  Again the blessed day arrived. this time with no labor just in they went with a scheduled c-section. In no time at all another beautiful and breath taking dark haired little baby entered into their lives. How she held her little baby boy so close. While he looked on with such wonder and awe. He finally got his own little boy. He couldn't wait for baseball games, and racecars at the tracks. Playing outside and being muddy. How he looked into those eyes that were exact replica's of his own. What he couldn't believe was that he now had two beautiful baby;s along with the world best mama and wife a man could ask for. He couldn't be any happier.
  The nights of course were long and many of them sleepless. But as they together had two sparkles. They learned together how to be parents, how to be husband and wife at the same time. They marveled in each other and with their children they learned so many truly wonderful blessings and trials that children can bring to young and new parents. However not so new with this one. The balance of two independent and sensitive beings always looking to them for guidance, attention, play and adventure. He showed them how to be both creative and smart. Together She and him taught them beauty, love and grace.
  Soon much to the surprise of the her Prince they were to be blessed again with another baby. He was so surprised. And she was as well. They knew this would be the final addition to their beautiful and loving home. How ever even though she and him both knew this and agreed to this they still felt so blessed to have such healthy and loving children. As with the other pregnancy's the sickness soon came and the tired and restless nights. But he held her so close. Told her she was so beautiful and she knew that in his eyes she was. Even though again she felt like a small apartment complex. He cherished her, helped her move forward when she was so sick she didn't think she could go on anymore. He continued his role as a dedicated father and role model to his loving and adoring children. He adored his wife and loved her completely. In a way she never had felt before. And she loved him in the same intensity. Yet something went wrong.
  One day he came home from work so very sick. She cared for him the best way she knew how. The other two kids had colds and she was tired with this pregnancy. Worried about him and wanting him to get better to help with the other two. feelings of being over whelmed and wonder, as to why he just wasn't' getting better. Within a week he was worse than before. She told him to get in the car they were going to the hospital. Little did she know that when they got to the hospital this part of her life would change forever and never be the same.
The Dr's said he needed more oxygen and that he needed medicine., Admitting him right away. She called her father and he came quickly to the hospital to get Aryanna and Petey. She stayed with him by his side. They talked briefly and she tried to find something to do with her time. Pregnant and worried she called her sister who came to the hospital to be by her side. Within a few hours her Prince was sitting in ICU with an oxygen mask in a room where he was isolated from everyone else. She went into his room, gently running her hands across his arms. telling him how much she loved him and he proclaiming his love to her as well. Asking her to stay away, for fear of the baby she was carrying would get sick too. He looked in her eyes with such endearment and yet fear telling her to go home and rest that this would be a long road. She kissed his hand, and his face then left the room.
  The days and weeks to follow were a nightmare. The constant worry, the constant fear of what was really going on. People coming and going from her house. She tried to nail down people to watch the other two so she could get as much time as she could at the hospital. The little boy and girl constantly asking where was Daddy and when was he coming home. She told them what she knew. Daddy is at the hospital b/c he is sick when he is healthy he gets to come home. Every day she went to the hospital she would pray that this day he would be better, that this day he could come home. And every day it was more bad news. She sat in his room and looked at the strong man that she always knew and loved and watch him become weak. Something he never, ever was. She longed to kiss his sweet lips. To see his smiling face look at her with such joy the way he always did. She held his hand and encouraged him to just keep going to keep fighting. She told him over and over until she had no breath that she loved him so much and how proud of him she was. She brought pictures of the kids and filled his room with their smiling faces. Friends brought banners with the words "Go Pete Go". chanting him on from the other side. She filled his room with music and at night she would sing to him the songs he loved best. She watched the monitors and asked questions and waited while they ran more tests and more questions with no answers. She cried and cried begging him to just keep fighting. That she needed him, that his little girl and son needed him and that their unborn baby needed him. She stayed by his side and held his hands massaged his feet and caressed his face. Running her fingers through his goatee and telling him how amazing he was.
  One day he started doing better, the Doctors started waking him up and he opened his eyes. He looked for her. He raised his head off the bed as she walked into his room. This man that she loved and all his strength he would watch her and mouth beautiful words to her. Telling her how much he loved her and asking how the baby was. She held his hand and looked in his eyes. He looked so tired but she held on, and didn't let go. She filled him with peace and love. Chatting about the new things the kids were doing and how big the baby was measuring. But as he tried to make sense of it all, he got overwhelmed and frustrated causing him to need more oxygen. She tried to just let him rest but he wanted to be with her so badly that he couldn't rest when she was around. She looked at him and told him how beautiful he was and how amazing he was and that he needed some rest that she would be back in a few hours. However when she returned things were not well.
  His blood was clotting and his lungs were tired. He was losing the fight. She stood by his side with her big pregnant belly and had him listen to the baby's heart beat through a Doppler. She whispered though her tears listen to your baby. He needs you. You can do this, I know you can. But for all his fighting and all her encouragement it just wasn't enough. She went to his room touched his face rubbed his ear like she always did. and whispered in his ear. "I need you to stay, but understand that you can't. It's OK. Go to the Garden your Angel will meet you there. It's OK. I love you so much. I am going to name the baby Chase. I love you more than breath." She looked at him, and with so much anguish and tears streaming down her face walked out of his room. Never to see him again. He passed away peacefully with family and friends around him. His Mama and daddy holding his hand as he left this beautiful earth and into the next joyous place.
    The details to follow a blur and the memories of that awful nightmare often revisited in dreams. She was surrounded with people constantly. She made it to term and delivered a healthy, beautiful, dark haired little baby boy named Chase Leo. She cried when she saw him and held his so close. Whispering in his ear. Your Daddy would be so proud.
  She sits here now 15 months later and thinks again of that young woman. She knows that if she were to ask that woman if she knew the outcome, would she do it again? Would she date and marry him again? Knowing that he wouldn't live.. Her answer will always be Yes. Because for awhile she knew, breathed, lived happiness  to it's fullest. She knows her Prince, and knows that even though he is not with her now, she was blessed to have had him touch her life. Blessed to have had his love, blessed to have loved him. To have cared for him. To have been blessed to be his wife and the mother of his children. Even though it was too short. She knows, with out a doubt she would do it all over again.


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  2. Hello Kathryn,

    My name is Amber, and I happened to stumble across this blog last night. I want you to know how incredibly comforting it is to read the words you write and to be able to relate to them. I am 26 years old, and I lost my husband 14 months ago to a tragic work accident. He was only 25. The love of my life, my best friend since I was 12 years old. And I'm not doing better. Everyone says time heals wounds, but I miss him more every single day. Thank you for writing out your thoughts. I also have a blog. I did a project to comfort myself on the first wedding anniversary I had to endure without Justin. It helped alot.
    Thanks again,
    Amber Florek