I should be asleep. I really should. I mean I need to sleep. But I just can't. My brain is full. Too many thoughts are swirling around. And tonight what it comes down to is this, I am lonely. I miss Pete. Chase Leo has a cold. He is teething and not sleeping well. He has had a fever all day. Plus I have run into some more red tape. An account that I thought was closed isn't. The information that was given to me wasn't correct. And I feel that I was left in the dark. When really all I wanted was not to receive statements anymore and have them sent to the person who is taking it over. The idiot who was supposed to be Pete's friend isn't or wasn't. And now here I am again with unanswered questions. And wondering again why this "friend" didn't give him the best financial advice. Why was he being so secretive before, I think I know why now. And I can't talk to Pete about it. In some ways I want to yell at him for not using his gut instinct and doing something different. I can't ask him. I don't know what he was thinking. And he is the only one who knows the answers. The real answers. I hate shit like this. Trying to find the paper trail. It's 14 months today and I still have questions to things that only Pete would know the answer's too.
Damnit, why am I here. Why, Why, Why? There is no why. It is what it is. And I have to figure it out with the people he left behind. I have to do it. Like everything else. Figure it out and keep on trucking. My mom was going on and on tonight about how she wishes she could help and that she needs some one to drive her here. and that someday she will get better. When really She has to decide that she wants to get better. Thats what it boils down to. I mean really in her gut in her whole body wants to get better. Not that it would be an easy road for her. She would have to stick with it and not give up when it gets hard. And for her that is hard and for her the road ahead of her will be very hard. However, with her talking on and on about how incapable she is came the "I don't know how you do it." And I hate it, HATE it when she does that. The "oh you must be so tired" and What am I supposed to say "NO, mom I am quite rested" She talks about how exhausted I must be and that she wished their was something she could do. She hates that I would have to drive in the snow. She hates that I would/will need to take Chase Leo to the Dr tomorrow in sub zero weather. The thing is that is's this kind of talking that makes me feel so lonely. I understand that I am her daughter and that she hates for me to do things that to her seem so hard. But, I wish she wouldn't talk at all. Its like by her telling me all these things that she hates for me to have to do. She makes the loss of Pete more present.
He is not here to help me load the kids in and out of the car. He is not here to take off of work to go and play with the kids in the snow. He is not here to tell me "Kathryn come to bed, Chase Leo will be fine" But, I need him here with me.
It feel like I am back on my roller-coaster only right now I feel that I am also back again to the horrible pain of losing him. Feeling raw but in a different way. Conscious now instead of numb and vacant on the inside. This whole thing with the new Why's and Where is this account and who do I need to contact now. Leaves me feeling empty. I wrote on my other "wall" at the Widdahood that I felt "I wanted to cut open my core and let this horrid and awful pain just seep out of me." As if I was lying on the ground and and this pain, this grief like black goo could just ooze out of me and then into the ground. I could then just stitch myself back together and walk away from it's blackness, it's sticky gross pain. The rain would come and wash it back into the earth to be transformed into something beautiful. But I could get it out of my insides and it wouldn't haunt me anymore. Grief, Loss, Lonely, Pain. The why's, the questions with no answers. I could walk away and be free. But thats in the ideal world of loss and losing the love of your life. For now I guess the pain and the goo are part of learning how to heal and deal. But it really, really hurts. And it's really, really, lonely.
Did I think 14 months ago I would be where I am? That I would be writing my heart on the internet for all to read? 14 long, tragic months. Yet in those 14 months I had another baby. And I have 3 beautiful balls of joy and laughter to keep me going. And yelling. :) But it's these nights when I can't sleep. Or don't want to sleep. That make it impossible to not feel his loss in great waves. Standing in the frigid air being pounded by salt water. Alone. Not saying that I don't have friends who care, or family that cares. But this type of grief and loneliness can't be fixed or healed by any one person. I have to do it. I have to live it. I have to ride this roller coaster. In order to feel the sun on my face. In order to raise my kids. Together we have to teach each other how to live. I have to live through it all. Me, and no one else can do it for me. The messed up part of it is. I always thought that Pete would be right there to hold my hand. Encouraging me to keep trudging on. TO keep raising out kids together and being a team in life. There is nothing I can do about that part now. Other than to believe in myself. To allow the lonely to come in for a visit. But not allow lonely to consume.
For now though Lonely, is here and I must deal. The kids are all in bed asleep. Chase Leo finally settled down hopefully that dose of tylenol will help. I feel tired enough to sleep. Hopefully Lonely will sleep on the couch tonight. I wish you were here Roo, Roo. To just hold me tight and squeeze out all the yuck. To finally sleep in peace and comfort.