Monday, October 25, 2010

"Yep, still Crazy."

Seriously? What was I expecting not to still be so crazy? I have heard many many people say that the second year is much harder than the first year. Oh, how I thought these people were smoking crack. Unfortunately they weren't. Moving into the second year is in many ways in fact harder. Because, now I am conscious. Last year I was so numb and shocked I could not have told you which way was up. And now I know which way is up but I don't like it. I don't like it, has been my saying today. I would have to say that I cried pretty much most of the day. The sadness was so extreme that I thought " I can't keep this going" Like something has got to change. What? I don't know. There it is again the I don't know and the I don't like it's.  While I was crying today with Baby on my hip, I was putting away the dishes. And Petey says to me "Mommy, why are you sad?" "Because I miss Daddy" "Why do you miss Daddy?" "because Daddy is an Angel" " Why is Daddy an Angel?" "Because Daddy got sick" and then just silence on his end. Which of course made my cry even more. I finished putting away the dishes and realized it was time to get Aryanna. Petey was happy about that. We drove to her school I sat in the car line and cried some more. It was a bizarre cry. Always before I hurt. Like my insides hurt. And today was sort of a numbed out crying. As if I was finally realizing my life and the kids life would never be the same.
  Tomorrow marks the day that Pete was admitted to the hospital. It's the the beginning of the end. I sit here and I think. How could I have know? How could he have known? The beginning of some really horrible days. Some days of progress and of course, days of doom. Maybe it was a cry of knowing this is the beginning of some really hard days to come.  A friend recently asked me what I was going to be needing in the next few months. I told her I didn't know. Guess I don't know any more than I knew then. Its all the questions I don't want to answer. "What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?" Are you going to travel? No. I am not going to travel. And I so struggle with this one. I know that I should But I can't. I just can't see myself in this moment getting everyone ready and heading off on a 7 hour trip. I don't mean to be selfish. Or not appreciative. I just can't do it yet. Sometimes I think that is also another hard part of it. Not being able to describe to someone you love how hard it really would be to pack everyone up and head off to another state. Even if someone came to get us. It still would be just way too hard. I know it was no big deal before. But I had Pete before I don't have him now. Someone asked me "Well, are you ever coming back?" And I replied "Not right now"
   I don't want to think any farther than today. But just because I don't want to doesn't mean I don't still do it. I have to stop myself and "Just live in the now Kathryn,,Live in this moment" Isn't that how you get through it all?  Is that what I am supposed to say to the random person that asks me "What are you doing 2 weeks from now?" or "What are you doing for the holidays? or even "What are you doing for Halloween?" Can I answer "I don't know." Followed by the retort of "Yes, I still don't know." "I am trying my best to stay in this moment, Please don't ask about 10 minutes from now."  The hard part of this is that I thought I had moved past the moment to moment living. Yet I realized today, that I haven't. I guess I am back to those {Crazy Roller-Coasters} The funny thing is that as much as I didn't want to talk to anyone today. And just be left alone to cry. The more phone calls I got. From People I haven't talked to in weeks. My phone was ringing off the hook (except that its a cell phone, so Ringing off the satellite?) It was as if God, and Pete were saying " Don't go down that path again" When really I wanted to yell back "Whats one day?"  But I know if I think rationally about it, it's not just one day. Its one day becomes two then 20 in a blink of an eye. The fact, that I didn't want to do anything today but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. In fact I haven't felt like doing anything but eat Chocolate Chip cookies. Its like all the walking I have been doing is just to walk off all those Chocolate cookies I ate during the day. I can't think, I can't sleep. And when I do sleep i'ts not restful. I feel that I just run around in circles in my dreams all night long. I wake up to check on the kids, eat some cookies, then back to bed. It's amazing all my teeth haven't fallen out yet.
  I guess today was just one of those days where I felt abandoned. Not that I had been left my God, I know He/She was around and Pete's energy was around I just was so wrapped up in Grief that I couldn't feel them. Lonely, Missing Pete, and wondering how do I get out. I am done. I don't want to go through November. I don't want to go Christmas shopping, I don't want the weather to change again, I don't want to put up Christmas decorations and get a Christmas tree. I don't want to ring in the new year. I just don't WANT TO DO IT!!! But the worst thing of all is that I have no choice. I have to!! And I have to do it for A, P and C L. They need me to. And I will it's just that again, its so hard to. And, I have to, to get to the other side. I just keep telling myself there is another side. I know there is there has to be. I cannot do all this work and not have another side. I will not. I WILL NOT. Live my whole life like this. I won't. You all think I am crazy now. Then if there is no other side, I will be sitting in a padded room. The walls will be purple of course but padded all the same. Every time I think of November I want to either throw up or curl up in a ball somewhere with my kids piled on top of me. I don't, I can;t., I won't...But I will. I always do and will.
   I can now see how people go to bed for days on end during this time. I so much wanted to go to bed today. Why? I would ask myself. What would be the point? Crawl into empty sheets to sleep. It's not like I sleep anyway. I think thats what makes Grief worse and so damn hard. I am so tired. So, so, so, tired. I have no problem falling asleep or really staying asleep. It's the sleep itself. Its like I just cant get to restful sleep. I miss him so much. I miss him in my sleep. That it feels like I can't even sleep without him. Sure I have two children who sleep with me. But they aren't Pete. My Pete. My beautiful, loving Pete. Even now as I sit here crying about it. I think I'm tired, I just want to go to sleep.
   So I guess thats where I am...Still here. I still don't know what I want, I still don't know what I need. I take that back I need more help but in what or when I don't know. Today and tonight I feel I have no answers.
I don't have any thoughts of wisdome stirring around me. Just questions and tears. Memories of those long 4 weeks and 6 short years. I know that I don't want to be the poor widow forever. I don't need that extra big hug or that sad look in your eyes. I just want to cry, and be sad and just have you share my space with me for a little while.


  1. I will share that space however I can, and when I can't, I trust the One who is always with you! Talk to you soon! Love you...God is with you!

  2. Kathryn I don't have the answers for you. I am so glad that I was not told that the second year was going to be more difficult than the first. I suspect the secret is to do whatever you need to do to survive. Just like learning to walk, one step at a time. For me it was coffee. Too much for my own good and I am now paying the price.
    I am happy to read your words on my monitor and I want you to know I am here in whatever capacity you need me to be.

  3. Hey Sister! You are sane. I often say to myself with a wide smile in my heart, "You are never more sane than when you recognize my own insanity." Grief indeed makes us crazy. Keep writing. Keep crying. Keep doing all that you are doing. Don't apologize. Just meet yourself where you are with the LOVE that Pete has wrapped you in. You are amazing and I LOVE your fire!!