This evening I had a friend come over to watch the kids while I went to go for a ride. I was hoping for a nice pleasant ride. Start at a walk then kick it up to blow off the ick from the day. Let the warm ( OK Hot) breeze blow across my face and through my hair. Making me forget about being a mommy and just remember being a woman on a horse. But no such luck. I wasn't even out of the drive way when my horse Bo had his own ideas. The main idea was that he wasn't leaving the barn lot to go on some stinking ride. He wanted to stay home and be lazy and much on grass and swat at flies. Yeah like that sounds like fun. Stand around or go for a run. Personally I would pick go for a run. but thats just me. Anyway. We are walking along just dandy when Bo decides he doesn't want to go any further. so he starts to turn around. And I am like No, We are going forward not in circle. Bo does not like this so he decides to rear up. Well, now I am game for pretty much anything. but I wasn't in the mood to end up on my butt on the ground looking up at him. Besides this wasn't following my nice leisurely ride plan. I wanted all of his hooves to stay on the ground, thank you. According to my dad that is just his way of showing off. Well, great but I don't want him to show off I want him to play nice. So I asked Bo what was going on. I get him turned around the right direction again and off we set on our " little leisurely ride" ( right)
We make it across the street and down the hill into the lower field. getting ready to cross a bridge. It's a small bridge it's not mammoth. Its just big enough to cross over a small creek. He doesn't want to go. Instead he would rather go backwards instead of forwards anything to get away from going over the bridge. Because to him going over that bridge means a longer ride, he of course is done and wants to go home. Finally I was like. Look I spend all day arguing with kids the last thing I want to do is argue with a horse too. So We went his way. Around the outside of the big field. Which actually turned out great. There were so many butterfly's on the trees. Just beautiful big orange monarch butterfly's. Flying all around. I was in awe. Maybe there is something to be said for going his way. I mean It wasn't what I had in mind but I had a nice time anyway. Seems like there are lots of things that turn out that way.
Later as we got back to the barn I was kind of mad at myself. I thought Why couldn't I make him go. I mean I was afraid that I would get thrown off. I have fallen off before and it's no big deal. But this time I thought what happens if I fall off and break something. Then what? It's not like Pete could just take a few days off work so that I could re-coop. I mean sure If I think rationally about it. I could make it work get some extra help. But it was just that brief moment where I was like. I can't let anything happen to me. I have 3 kids depending on me. In some ways I thought OK am I really afraid of this or just some cop out that I didn't want to push the horse too far. I guess either way you look at it. If I pushed the horse to o far I might end up on the ground. But so what. right? Even now as I think about that moment. I still keep coming back, to my kids need me. As I walked Bo back to the barn I felt like a coward. Like i didn't step up to the plate. Like maybe I wasn't as brave as I used to be when it came to horses. But was I ever?
I like to think I was. But then we like to think we are brave about lots of things right? Yet I remember a time when I went round and round with my horse King. Literally we went around in circles I wanted to go one way and he wanted to go back to the barn. But I was not going to let him. I wasn't afraid then, more pissed off than anything. I wanted to go for a ride and I couldn't understand why he wanted to go back to the barn. But it was almost like his way of testing me to see if I really meant it. We were best friends after that.
I think about Bo tonight and I wonder was he testing me too? I want to ask him Really Bo? You want to put me through a test? Do you have any idea what kind of "test" I have been going through? Like to see if I really meant it. If I think about the test I am going through now. I think I would pass. I know I would pass. But it's not really about the test is it? It's about weather you are really going to go through with what you start. With Bo I didn't want to land on the ground. I was afraid I would break something. Like in my body. My strong body that I need to care for my kids. But If I think about in life, my life, My new life. Am I going to finish what I started? And yes, I am. Because I am strong but also because I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to Pete. Even though we only had Pete for a very short time he and I had a life together, we had a family together and you can bet your life on wild horses that I am going to finish what we, and now I started. Am I scared? Hell yes I am scared, but If I fall off I know how to get back on. I have done it before I can do it again.
So Bo may have gotten what he wanted a nice short easy ride, But next time it may not be so easy for me to just give in . I have learned that I am not a person who backs down when it gets hard. I finish what I start. So Bo lets saddle up, and try again.