Monday, August 2, 2010

Crazy Haze

I never thought I would be a widow at the ripe old age of 31. Let alone being 7 and a half months pregnant as well. When Pete passed away I kept thinking this isn't happening. What am I going to do now? I often try to forget those first few moments and days and weeks that followed. In fact thinking about them now causes me to feel light headed and nauseous. I knew one thing for sure my life would never be the same. How was I going to raise three kids by myself. Only months before I can remember sitting on the bed talking with Pete about how I didn't know how single mom's did it. I told Pete that I felt very blessed that I was not a single mom and that I was lucky I got to stay home with my kids.  Who knew that I would eventually eat my words.
   I remember Chase Leo's birth. I don't remember much about being in the hospital. Except that everyone kept telling me to rest. And I thought " Why?" How can I rest. I will thought never forget the day I brought Chase Leo home from the hospital. How horrible it was to walk into my own house and not have Pete be there. It was like a nightmare.I  kept wanting to ask someone, " Where's Pete. Why isn't he here, He is SUPPOSED to be here"    He is supposed to be here to hold his new baby boy, to look into his beautiful navy blue eyes and rub his hand over all his soft fuzzy dark hair. To marvel at the fact that he is so beautiful and so small, so perfect. He is supposed to be here to hold him while I go and rest. To take pictures with the kids. To tell them to be nice to mommy becuase Mommy's tummy has a boo boo. He is supposed to hold my hand and kiss me and smile that smile that was so him. But he didn't, He wasn't, he couldn't. It was impossible for him to be physically present  with me with us. That Pete, My Pete, could never physically be present again.
  The seconds, the minutes, the hours that followed were unbearable. So bad that I don't remember them. The days, the weeks, were so dark, so empty so hollow. I often prayed for the ground to just split open and swallow me whole. I hurt so bad. I kept thinking how can I hurt this bad and not have a physical gaping wound. How are people just walking around me and not asking how they can stop this insane bleeding gushing out of me.  I was so scared. I worried so much about Aryanna and Petey. I kept thinking I want to be with Pete but I can't leave my children. My beautiful amazing children who I love so much. I can't do that to them. I can't watch them from the " other side" grow up without me. They already lost their best friend and the most amazing daddy ever they can't lose their Mommy too.
  So much of those days were a blur. And still are. I sadly don't remember Chase Leo as a newborn. I remember him in pictures. I remember the need I felt that I had to be with him. That my being away from him was excruciating. I had to, I needed to breathe in his baby smell. I had to hold his little body so close to my heart. I do remember holding him and sobbing. Just out of control helpless sobbing. I would would just scream in my mind "Pete I need you, I need you. I can't do this without you".   Somehow though, I did.
  I found a good therapist. A woman I had known since I was a teenager. I was blessed to have a baby nurse. She was one of the most loving, understanding, and strong woman I had ever met. My sisters and I used to call her the "Baby Whisperer." She understood my grief she too had been a widow once. Many nights after Chase Leo was asleep in bed and Aryanna and Petey were asleep, she would stay up and talk with me. She didn't have to, but she did. My sisters and friends and people I didn't even know were coming and going. The kids and I had 24 hour care for weeks and weeks. I didn't know how we were going to make it, but at the end of the day I would go to bed wondering how another day had passed and we had all survived it. I know now that it was God and the Angels, that was carrying us all and helping us to survive yet another day.
 Along with a very special, and truly amazing Angel named Pete.

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