I have all these thoughts just swirling around and around in my brain tonight. I have planned an overnight in brown county this weekend. It is just for one night.However I feel pulled. Mostly by my self. I know that many Mom's would jump at a chance to have a "getaway", me however I cam crazy so that puts things in a new light. I seem to worry about everything. Things that probably don't need worrying about. Such as, will the kids be OK with out me. What if they need something in the night and no one hears them. What if Petey has a meltdown about something. What if Chase Leo cries all night. What if he cries and they can't hear him because they forgot to turn the monitor on in their room. All sorts of things that don't need to be worried about. Yet I still worry. Or, I am worried about things like. Well, I will be all by myself. All alone. (except for my dad's dog Sadie, I am taking her with me.) No one to climb on me, spit-up on me, throw a tantrum at, no screaming, no arguing, no crying. Nothing. How wonderful right? But their will also be no bedtime hugs and goodnight kisses. Or baby snuggles or smiley faces. I know, I know. I so often wish at home for a day that I could spend all to myself. Doing all the errands that need to be done by myself. Or wanting to go sit in a corner of Barnes and Noble to read a book, have a cup of coffee, or watch the people go by. But I still get to come home after that day of freedom. I guess what I am most scared of is stepping out of my comfort zone. Away from home. Yes I am a grown woman and I don't want to leave home. Things are familiar here.
I know, I know, I need the time away. To re-group. To relax. To unwind. And the kids need time away from me. To regroup and unwind. Have someone else be with them, play with them, take care of them. A different set of rules and thinking. I have been thinking that I need to take some time for myself. So that I can keep my head up. To continue to be strong and keep on trucking. The only way to do that is take some time off. I guess my fear also is that I don't know if I can. I have been excited and anxious on and off this week as the day draws nearer. Sometimes when it seems so crazy in the house, I think oh but On Sunday I am going to get some peace and quiet. And then an hour later I think You know, I don't think I need to go. I will miss Aryanna, Petey, and Chase Leo too much. I am sure you are thinking, " What is she insane? Why is she so worried, it's only one night?" Yes thats true, it is only one night. But to me everything is a big deal. Any type of change feels huge. I have taken on so much, but one overnight makes me feel scared. yes I know, silly but yeah I am scared. I keep thinking to myself " well if I get there and I hate it I can always turn around and go home" But then I think "Well what did that prove. Nothing. That I can drive to brown county and back." So what is it that I have to prove? And who do I have to prove it too? I think I have to prove it to me. I have to prove it to myself.
The other question that keeps swirling around is Why? Why would I be anxious about something so small. Think about it Kathryn a whole nights sleep. All those hours in a row. All the things you could do. Read, crochet, take a walk, have a drink, sit in a bubble bath until their are no more bubbles, write. go horseback riding. Really why would I think that I could be bored. I should be thinking of it more as a small vacation to myself. What am I really afraid of? Being alone? I've been alone. Heck I have been alone for almost nine months. Or the thought of being alone, and lonely. Just me and the dog. That's why I decided to take the dog because then I wasn't all alone right? The thing is, the last time I spent time all alone with no kids at home. I laid on the floor and sobbed. I couldn't get up. All I could do was lie on my bedroom floor and cry. I hated that helpless feeling. I don't want to do that again. I mean sure who doesn't need a good cry, but that, that was utter complete despair, alone, loneliness and feeling helpless all wrapped up into one. I am not doing that again.
I wonder too how will I pay for my overnight. I don't mean with money. I mean, what will my punishment be. The kids being mad at me for going away. And therefore being horrible. in every way possible. Or that crazy feeling the kids and I had when we came home from Hilton Head in May. The kids and I walked into our house and sort of looked around and then at each other with the same thought " Oh right he's not here." I know Crazy. I feel crazy for thinking it, I feel crazy for worrying about it. I know, It's just one night. why get so uptight about it. I am trying to stay positive. All this worrying is probably for nothing. The kids will have fun. I will have a nice Mommy escape." Think Kathryn of the adventure you will have. " I say this to myself.
Am I crazy for writing about it? Maybe, But again its part of me, my thoughts, my worries, my words, my journey, my path. My crazy.